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Bugs-N-Hugs · Dec 13, 2016, 12:58 PM

So, I've been in crisis, slow-mounting, but there, since yesterday (Monday) morning, when my NP told me she didn't think I had BPD, despite me meeting all nine of the DSM-5 criteria, when only five are needed for a positive diagnosis.

(It's not that I WANT to have BPD. What I want is hope that the reason I've not been getting better--only worse--is because my diagnosis of Bipolar I and PTSD was incomplete. That with a more complete diagnosis, I can get more fitting meds and treatment.)

My NP said that I'm "not manipulative," like someone with BPD should be, which is utter ********, but she doesn't seem to know or want to hear that. I suppose I've been manipulating her opinion of me a little too well. Which, to me, is the definition of a truly manipulative person: One who can control the way they're perceived no matter who or how they really are. They can make people think they're nice, sane, well-adjusted, sweet, and not-manipulative when they are, in fact, the exact opposite. My NP is kind, but tone-deaf, and doesn't know me at all. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. She sees what I let her see, and then flings medicine at my proverbial wall and hopes that this time, it'll stick.

So, not only do I feel invalidated and discounted--not listened to--but I no longer trust her opinion or my own, as a result of her dismissive attitude. And I'm so paranoid I'm wondering if my even counselor's willingness to listen and entertain my opinion is merely put-on, a facade to keep me calm till she can disabuse me of my wrong-headed notions.

I've been doing nothing but brooding and obsessing and drinking coffee for the past day. As usual for the past eight months, I barely sleep 2.5 hours a night and never without nightmares, except for a few times I can count on three fingers. The nightmares are escalating, getting worse literally EVERY NIGHT. Every night of sleep I get is the worst night of sleep I've ever had. And the morning after, when I wake up--before 2 a.m.--that morning is the worst morning I've ever had . . . with the exception of the morning I was woken up because my grandmother had gone into cardiac arrest and shortly thereafter died. (Twenty-six years later, that is still the worst morning of my life, ever.)

I don't know if this is the right forum for this post, but I don't know what to do. The people I've been trusting for years with my mental health don't feel trustworthy anymore. No one does, not even myself, although that's nothing new. I don't know what to think or where to turn. I need some sort of hope or ray of sunshine. I can't stop crying--I'm sobbing so hard sometimes I can barely breathe. The rest of the time I'm numb and dissociating. I can't focus on anything and have literally spent the last twelve hours either awake and staring into space, asleep and having nightmares, or haunting this site trying to figure out what I need to say and where I need to say it. I just want to curl up and go to sleep . . . never to wake up. I'm not making threats, just thinking wishfully. I complain about having to be alive, but I'm neither brave enough nor proactive enough to actually do anything about it.

But I'm so tired of hurting and being confused and not all there. Tired of just holding on by my fingernails and living because I don't have the courage to do the opposite. Tired of alive(-ish) being merely my default, not my choice. And I don't know to whom I should talk about this when it feels as if my two professional supports are at best being condescending and at worst trying to keep me as mentally ill as possible. Even my friends with diagnoses don't seem to understand or know how to help.

I'm scared and alone and I don't know what to do at all anymore. Someone please tell me what to do. How to make it better.

Thank you for listening.