I have a problem of not feeling able to keep a job. I feel like I've tried so hard since my diagnosis at 15 to be as productive as possible. I became certified as a cosmetologist, I graduated with a B.A. from a university, I have been active in my field for three years and yet I still cant hold a job. I try everything I can to show the people around me that I matter. When I am feeling good, I over compensate to make the people I love feel special and happy. I don't get to be selfish because of my illness, because if I do, I'm a bad person. I feel like the world makes me feel like I'm taking up enough space as it is and how dare I have any real feelings. I should just continue to be grateful to be alive and that there is any support for me at all. The thing is, I do feel grateful. I feel grateful for everything I have been given, and every bit of support I receive, but I also feel a deep sadness and loss for the person I could have been. For the me I wanted to be, and my limited possibilities due to my illness. I live at the mercy of others and it is a scary place to be. When everyone else has the luxury of taking a job they enjoy without worry about stress, scheduling, environment, and work flexibility. I have to question every aspect of the environment before accepting a position, which usually results in me having to take a low paying position where my potential and hard work is under appreciated.