Hi, Wisewoman,

I am so sorry for your loss. I read your post in the Grief section, what a beautiful loving relationship you gave to each other!

My husband often questions my motives when I am kind to someone I care about. He questions their motives - and tries to convince me they are just using me, or I am babying them. His issue not mine. He doesn't trust anything or anyone easily. That doesn't make my motives wrong, or weak, it makes him afraid. Perhaps she lived with and loved the same type of man? I don't know. I do know that I cried when I read your letter "my dear Jane" - what a beautiful person. She didn't carry you in her womb for 9 months, but she gave birth to you in a much more beautiful way. Thank God. Wisewoman, there are many many times that I keep the things that I do for another between me and that person, not because I am ashamed, or because I shouldn't, or because I am insincere - my motives are most sincere - but because or friendship is intimate. It isn't something I need grand stand applause for, it's because I really cherish that friendship more than most of the world could understand - and I want to protect it, and nurture it. What I do for that person is ONLY for that person. The deserve every precious ounce of it. The proof of her honesty is the selfless acts she gave you. She didn't have to tuck you in, but she did so. She didn't have to give you that glimmer of hope and the understanding that you are so worthy of the life you have, but she did so. She gave you what she could only give if she truly believed it herself. No one can give what they do not have. In return you loved her, loved yourself, began to love the life you life, and that was something that no one could deny as precious. She passed away knowing . . .KNOWING. . .that she was truly loved by someone - YOU. What a gift.

I believe that those that we love that have passed away are never really very far away. We cannot touch them, but we can remember them and celebrate how they touched us. Even if the time was brief. We can celebrate that.

May I ask what would cause you to doubt her love for you? Was it something someone said? What lie to you feel your relationship was based on? From you letter, it sounds like her husband said something. If so, please keep in mind what I wrote concerning my husband. His fears do not make my actions insincere. They only make him afraid.

Isn't it amazing that people will say things or act in certain ways when they know the person that could clarify cannot defend themselves - or clarify their actions? It's just too safe to pass up, I think. The tabloids go nuts, books get published, always after someone known for their goodness passes away 'telling all' - who can argue? Who can prove otherwise! And there's a pay off to be made! Why can't they keep that person in the view that they have? Why do they have to go and 'prove' otherwise, at the loss of everone that loved that person?! It always strikes me as a very cowardly thing to do. . .they would never ever do so if that person were living.

The result of her actions in your life bears the truth. Regardless of how you may feel that you interpretted it, or how others interpretted it, the hope was real, the love was real, the best that she brought out in you was real. The results were real. Please please keep in mind that her actions were selfless. Nothing she did was something she had to do. Not one thing. Selfless acts speak for themselves.

(((((Wisewoman))))))
Beth