I have a pDoc appointment the day after tomorrow, and will ask him too, but can anyone relate or is this maybe like a personality flaw?

It's been about a year since hospitalization/last crisis and i'm fully stable. Yay! I'm on a good regime: an SSRI, mood stabilizer and as needed Ativan for panic attacks. I still have self harm thoughts, but they are limited to maybe once a day with little to no urge. I'm now in grad school and made all A's this first semester.

Sometimes though, I miss my depression. I don't miss the feelings or suicidality, I mostly just miss how in touch I was able to be with myself. Not like i'm numb or anything; I just miss escaping to my room/bed and being alone with myself and my convoluted thoughts.

The "real world" is fine, I just can't figure it out. I've considered:

* is it normal to grieve depression/self harm
* is it actually a side ways version of just "urges" to harm myself (but i'm not really interested in physically harming myself/feeling pain - just want the wounds; i've also been picking a lot lately so that may be why)
* do I want attention (I don't feel like I do; my family didn't even know I was seeing a therapist or on meds for the three years prior to hospitalization)
* do I want to self sabotage; why?
* am I just bored

Thoughts?