Hi, Angela, thank you for responding!

Yes, there is a tremendous amount of abuse in my past.

The subject of dissasociating came up with my first therapist. And we did some work on acceptiong the different parts of my personality as a whole part of me, and valuable. I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with dissasociative disorder.

I haven't had any breaches in memory before the first therapy session in a very very long time. (At least 20 years.) I don't think I've ever presented anyone with a different persona, I've never been called by another name. No one has ever stated that they thought I was someone else.
I don't know. The thought is . . .confusing and intimidating at best. I can't see enough to say that if this is what it is, that it's affected my life in any real disruptive way. And there are PLENTY of times since that it would have made sense if I had disappeared to somewhere else, but I didn't. I was right there - taking every ounce of it. So that doesn't make sense to me.

I'm afraid that if we go down this mode of thinking that she will try to trigger something to happen. That terrifies me. I was terrified when I felt myself go on the rollar coaster down - I knew I COULD NOT let go. I could NOT leave my face.

I did tell her that I felt like I was falling in the session, she asked if I felt like that before, and I told her the first time I felt it (I was six) - after I told her, that's the point that I cannot remember anything else. I remember her telling me I had dissociated - and then nothing. Telling her about the first time was very difficult - and I was very upset.

I don't know what we talked about after that. I felt numb and terribly shaken when I paid for my copay and left. She looked like she was moving very carefully, watching me very carefully. That unnerved me. After she took my check, she gave me some homework to do. I remember that as well.

I'm afraid that if I bring this up again, that she will look at motive. . .just trying to squirm out of the fact that I actually said no to the marriage (I didn't) or that I actually said yes to consumating the marriage before we actually did.

I'm also afraid that she will start doing things to TRY to trigger dissasociating in order to work on it - if I am indeed doing this. . .and then what? I work, I am very dependant on my job. . .I can't afford to have something like that happen and risk my job.

yeeesh.

Beth