Put on the brakes for a minute there, sweetie. Okay?

Dissociation does NOT only mean Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personalities). There is a whole spectrum in between what's so-called "normal" and DID. Also, the fact that you dissociate a lot does NOT indicate that you have a dissociative disorder. I wasn't trying to insinuate in any shape or form that you had other personalities. I don't see any reason to assume that. I was just noting that dissociation seems to be the way that you cope. And that is more common for people who have endured traumas such as abuse.

That said, dissociation is NOT quite as scary or as serious as it sounds. EVERYONE dissociates. It's a coping response. If you daydream, you're dissociating. If you "space out" you are dissociating. Everyone does that sometimes. Now, some of us do it a little more than the rest of them- but we STILL do not qualify for a dissociative disorder. I fit into that category and maybe you do, too.

Why do some people dissociate more? Well, first off for some of us it seems to be our coping method of choice. Also, having a history of abuse plays a HUGE role in it. If you are going through some very emotionally (and often physically) painful things, you probably know all too well that the feelings associated with that are incredibly overwhelming. And especially as a helpless child being hurt by an adult!

****This next part might be triggering. I've tried to word it carefully, though**** I know in my own experience (I remembered this feeling in therapy) that when I got hit, I felt very scared. And I cried as much out of fear as out of physical pain. But my dad didn't want me to cry, so I had to shut off the tears. The way that I did that was to dissociate. All dissociation was in that situation was me refusing to feel. I just went numb. No fear. That way, I could stop crying and he would leave me alone sooner. That is one example of dissociation. Now, to take that further, I was able to remember that I got hit, but not really able to remember specifics. Because I just didn't have the coping skills to "deal with" the feelings. So I remembered that I got hit, but I could not remember the feelings that I felt when I got hit. I blocked that out. If it had been more traumatic for me, maybe I would not have remembered getting hit at all. When I got to the point in therapy where I was ready, I suddenly remembered the details about HOW I dealt with getting hit. I remembered turning off the scared feeling. I didn't remember that before. See how that goes? It's not pleasant by any means to confront your own dissociative responses, but it's not as catastrophic as sometimes people think dissociation is. Granted, there are much more extreme examples, as seen in Dissociative Identity Disorder.

So, will your therapist try to "trigger dissociation"? Not if she knows what she's doing, and she should know what she's doing. Besides, if you're anything like me (and most dissociators), you will dissociate on your own- no need for her to trigger it. You probably do it a lot. For me, in therapy, dissociation usually takes the form of either: going numb, losing my train of thought, or feeling kind of sleepy and/or a little bit dizzy. It's not scary to dissociate like that. It's actually pretty comfortable because it's normal for me. You probably experience things like that, too. It's also not uncommon for me to not remember, or at least not remember very clearly, everything that we talked about in session. Sometimes it comes to me later on, sometimes I just don't remember. It's your mind's way of coping. As for your experience of feeling like you are sliding away from your face, that's probably a lot more disturbing to feel. Part of therapy is to help you learn how to sit with those feelings and cope with them, so they aren't disturbing any more. Maybe you could try some grounding techniques when that happens. Are you familiar with those? Also, when it happens, don't be afraid to tell your therapist that's what you're feeling. She should be able to help you pull through that.

The bottom line in all of this rambling is that dissociation is just what your mind does to protect you and help you deal with difficult emotional material. A few years ago, my therapist said something to me that has stayed with me through some very dark times. She said "the psyche has a wisdom all its own." And this is true. Your mind has helped you survive through some terrible experiences. Trust it. There is an internal wisdom within you that regulates and determines what you are and are not ready to deal with. It will keep you protected. One thing is for sure, if you are a dissociator, you are always protected from what you aren't ready to handle. Does that make sense?

Therapy is not always comfortable. It's a little scary sometimes. It's supposed to be. That's how we heal. I keep finding time and time again that the best way to work through it is to trust (1) myself and by ability to keep me safe and (2) my therapist, her knowledge and her care for me, and her ability to help me stay safe. It is essential in therapy to learn (at your own pace, of course) to open up and share the things you are afraid to share. That's what will bring healing. That's how you will grow.

I encourage you, again, to share these posts with your therapist. If you have more questions and worries (which I suspect you might ), feel free to post again.

Be safe. Good luck!
Angela