I don't know if this needs a trigger warning or not. I'm not in a great place at the moment.

The last few months have been bad, then worse, then back to just bad. Life has been awful. Two uncles died. Some crap with my disability left me short on cash and I have not had enough to eat for two months. Family being around and lack of food set off my childhood crap and make bad things worse. I think my water is gonna get shut off. I'm really hungry. I lost the twenty some pounds it took me two years to gain... gone in two months of not being able to afford food. FML. The spouse is suicidal because his car is going to get repo-d. My grown step son is living here, not contributing at all and making me and his dad crazier. Loud neighbors moved in next door and I have sensory issues and the volume has my heart rate constantly elevated. The list goes on.

I process emotions with the grace and skill of a frickin ashtray and I ended up in the er last week because of the muscles in my back swelling up and a headache that made me literally bang my head into a wall. It was the only thing that stopped me from pacing and sobbing. I puked my brains out. My head still hurts like hell but I'm not pacing or puking. I know it has to just be in my head. They scanned my brain and it's not a tumor. No legions or anything. It has to be me being a freakin nutcase. My crazy is making my head hurt so bad I beat it into a wall. This is my life lately. That is my normal lately.

Internal things went from bad to worse to silent. I know why everything went quiet. I mean, hell if I could jump ship right now and vanish I sooooo would. I'm not mad. I'm just by myself in every way shape and form right now and I am sooooooo not equipped for this crap. None of it.

I'd check myself into a psych hospital, but I can't afford it. I have no where to go. Nothing to do to fix this. I don't know how much more i have in me too keep living life this way. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just can't keep doing this. I'm going to shut down if I don't get some kind of something that isn't awful really soon. If I could quit, I would. I'm done. I'm weeks past done. I'm just going to hole up in my head and not come out. I want a break. I want it like last month.

I have no idea if this is me having a full blown breakdown or what this is. I know this is not a panic attack because they do not last for months at a time... right? Does anyone know at what point does it go from being just stressed out to a breakdown?