Yes, that's true. For many years, decades really, I would have to say I had no control... or perhaps it's more accurate to say I didn't really even want any control... I'm not even sure. I do know for many years I really didn't try to exercise any control I simply went with it... for whatever reason.

I once read the book Lost in the Mirror. It's about Borderline Personality Disorder. And based on what I read there, I thought it was possible I might have been able to be diagnosed as having BPD when I was younger. (Presumably no longer.) One of the characteristics of BPD, as I understand it, can be confusion related to gender identity... which I definitely have had.

I've been told, & I've also read, that BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages. So perhaps that's what happened with me. And perhaps that's also why my various "compulsions" (as I term them) have also sort-of dissipated over time. I don't know. It's all very confusing to me & I really don't understand any of it... which is why all I can do is to share my experiences & hope that somewhere within it all people who read it can find some nugget of insight that is of value.