I hate posting. I hate talking about myself. But I'm going to ask anyways because I need to see others opinions.

I have a weird draw towards my self injury scars. I don't feel like I have enough and I just want to cover my arms in them. This sounds crazy, I understand. I do not want people to see them, I only want me to see them. I know this is wrong. When I began self injuring it slowly escalated. I wanted to be able to see and feel them and it came to a point where I was harming my arms and shoulders so I could. I wanted more scars. When I stopped self injuring, all I could think about was when I could start again. I was sad that my scars would fade. I wanted more. My life's been spinning out of control lately and I've been injuring again. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want them to scar. That they need to be bigger.

I do not like the idea of people seeing them. I am a professional woman in a business world and they do not help me. I do not like to talk about my self injury nor have others know about it so I don't think this draw is from wanting others to see. Does anyone else experience this? Sometimes the urge to hurt myself is so overwhelming without a cause. I stopped acting in those unwarranted urges a while ago, only do it when the urge turns to need. But do any of you experience this as more of an addiction the longer it goes?

My therapist is aware of my SI but I'm too busy concentrating on my mood swings and my disapproval of medication to worry about my bodily injury IMO. 😅