Thanks for the responses. I know being compliant with meds is what is really going to help in the end. I’m working on facing the reality that I may have to take meds for the rest of my life (or a significant period of time). I just want to find something that doesn’t dull my mind, as I find most things do. We’re considering an injectable AP. In that case, I would only have to say “yes” to meds once a month, rather than making that decision every day. On the other hand, if I’m able to live with this without the help of meds (most likely resulting in a fluctuating, eccentric life), is that worth it? Idk, it’s all mixed up.

Miguel’smom—Recently I’ve had more occurrences of both euphoric and dysphoric manias. I had my first episode of depression w/ SI when I was 9 (caused by an abuse, though). My manias are definitely more overtly destructive, but the depression tends to be months, and has included catatonia (which I find really scary looking back on). I think my baseline tends to be a little excitable (goal-driven, racing thoughts, fidgety, grand ideas—but in a healthy, balanced way), but I’m still trying to figure out exactly what baseline for me looks like.