My Support Forums - View Single Post - My NP refuses to consider I might have BPD

Bugs-N-Hugs · Dec 16, 2016 at 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Long before I was diagnosed with BPD, I randomly stumbled across BPD on the internet and its list of 9 criteria. I skimmed over it and none of it jumped out at me as being me. Later my mom's ex brought up BPD again, because she thought my mom had it. Once again I skimmed through the criteria, and while I recognized the behavior in my mom, I didn't recognize it in me.

I later saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD. I told her that I didn't really know what BPD was other than having heard of it/seen it online a few times. She explained to me how my actual behavior fit in with the criteria instead of reading a list of symptoms. That just further proved to me that a list of symptoms on their own is no good because what is important is how those symptoms show up in your actual life, which is different for each person, even with the same disorder.

For instance, I didn't even know I had a severe fear of abandonment until my psychiatrist pointed it out to me. I was constantly having panic attacks over my then-boyfriend dying or not coming back home, and had never connected the two to my traumatic past involving abandonment. So reading "fear of abandonment" on a BPD criteria list isn't going to do any good because technically the criteria for BPD can show up in many people. How, why, and with what intensity/frequency the symptoms show up is the important part.

Oh, believe me: I know. I'm definitely not just going on the list of symptoms but how they affect me and at what intensity. Except for the gambling/bingeing one, they all affect me moderate to high. Five high, three moderate and the bingeing one . . . not as much. Though I do sometimes binge eat when depressed or nervous of stressed. But some of that has to do with GERD.

But yes, I'm not just going on textbooks, but on anecdotal evidence and how I feel. I didn't just check off symptoms, I felt each one like a punch to the gut, the recognition of myself and what I do/how I am was so STRONG. I immediately saw how each one of those symptoms had hit me and was effecting me. Some stronger than others, but still. And I spoke with my counselor about it, a couple days ago, and she said she wasn't just humoring me or putting me off--just my paranoia, I guess--but that though BPD could be tough to diagnose, she thought that from what I'd described to her about how I felt and some of the behaviors I never discussed with her/was too embarrassed to mention to her, I may very well have it. But that from a treatment end, the counseling I was receiving would remain the same. The DBT skills practice would intensify, but that as far as counseling went, we were on the right track. So I'm relieved about that. It's the meds that have me worried. I've been on wrong meds before and once nearly burned down my house with everyone in it, I got so low in my effed-up mania. So to avoid that, I'd like to know for sure what I've got, how bad, and what's good for it and me. I wouldn't just trust in a symptoms list to tell me that.

I just wish my NP would consider it. That maybe she doesn't know me as well as I know me, and see what happens if she adjusts my meds accordingly. Heavens know she already does at the drop of a hat. Sometimes to disastrous results.