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Originally Posted by Icare dixit
Do you have a strong sense of identity; do you (generally) know why you do the things you do?
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I know why I do some things. I'm a writer, for instance. I write because it's everything to me. It's comfort, friend, fantasy, haven, escape, solace, obsession, and just plain fun. And I'm pretty good at it, so that helps with the enjoyment part.
As to everything else . . . well, there IS nothing else. I don't do anything but write and read. I barely hang out with the friends I used to have. Though yesterday I hung out with someone I hadn't seen in two years. It was fun, but very stressful and I was fighting look at my phone for the time.
Strong sense of identity? I don't know. I don't know what a strong sense of identity would feel like, to tell if I have one or not. I just know that if most people have a core of some sort, a baseline character, mine doesn't exist. Or it's so protean, it may as well not. I'm different people depending on who I'm around, and when I'm not around anyone, I'm NOT anyone. I either stare into space, sleep, or write.
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If it helps to explain some aspects of your behaviour, being diagnosed with BPD could be desirable. I don't see a problem with that, necessarily. What strikes me as odd is that you want to be seen as manipulative.
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Oh, goodness,
NO. I don't
WANT to be seen that way, I just try to be honest about who and how I am. I do whatever suits me. Damn the consequences to others. I will do whatever I need to to get what I want--which is usually, luckily for others, to be left alone. I wear a mask of happiness and twist people every which way to make them think I'm fine, even when I'm one remark away from screaming or crying, because happy people get left alone. No one asks: "Hey, why're you happy?" If you're sad or angry, everyone wants a piece of your misery. Which I find really creepy.
Writer. So, yes. I like to be my characters/other writers' characters. Even the jerky ones. It's better than being me.
Pretending seems like a too-shallow description of the level of fantasizing I engage in, even on a good day.
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Do you ever feel like an impostor?
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Feel like? Am. I'm not even sure there IS a person under the masks. MAybe there could be, someday, but as of now . . . pretty sure there's just howling emptiness swirling with spite and despair.
Constantly. And guilt. But at least guilt is motivating. Shame is just crippling. So, of course I feel it more
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Do you ever do things out of desperation?
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Everything except breathe. THAT I do out of habit.
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Please don't just say "yes" or "no" to any of these questions, but try to give examples.
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I don't know that I've given concrete ones. I've just blurted out feelings, really. I breathe out of habit, not because I enjoy being alive. I write mostly out of desperation. It's a point in all the pointlessness and if I stopped, I'd kill myself. There would literally be no more point to me. And yes, it came to that once. Nearly two years of writers block in my twenties. This year, I stared down the barrel of six months and that nearly did me in. I'm not as resilient as I was.
I feel intense shame for simple things, like typos and misspells. For appearing anything less than intelligent, logical, and unemotional. The opinions I express will sometimes fluctuate depending on whom I'm with. When I'm alone, I don't care enough about anything that isn't the Oxford comma to bother with opinions. For the most part. I'm always putting on a mask one of dozens or even hundred, to deal with people. But then I complain that no one ever sees me. And then, still, I have serious doubts there's a me to see.
As for manipulation . . . oh, so much of it. Even besides the masks I put on. I manipulate people into paying for things when I'm broke. Sometimes I'll start doing it without conscious thought, then realize afterwards that I just cozened and connived my way into--a movie. A dinner. A small present. But thankfully, I don't have expensive tastes. If I did, either I'd be disappointed or my equally impoverished-*** friends would be. I do feel uncomfortable about it, from a "what if I'm caught at it," sense. But that's about how I would look to others. I already know or assume the worst about myself, so very little I do surprises me. Very little I do makes me feel guilty. Shamed, yes. Guilty, no. I'll do it again, just a little smarter, so I don't get caught and thus have to feel shame.
Most of it is so petty and slimy, I can't even really talk to my counselor about it. I value her good opinion. I like appearing to be a decent, if not well-adjusted person. But I suspect a lack of character at my "core" that would bother some of the people I know.
Sorry this reply is such a mess. These days, if it ain't fiction, I can't organize a thought for love nor money.