Angela, One day and Beth, Thank you all for your support. It is the response of her spouse that has struck me down. You see, When I learned that she had died I emailed her. Silly, magical thinking, hoping it would not come back and I could believe she got it. That was from an address in my home computer. It came back and I felt at least I got to express myself and maybe she saw it somewhere in the universe. I have been having difficulty with losing her and making sense of my extended family etc. I was at work and went online at work, somthing I rarely do. There it was, her address in the contact list. So, I emailed her telling her how much I missed her and loved her and thanked her for teaching me how to love. I assumed it would come right back. However, later that night I got an angry email from her husband and I felt horribly naked and beaten. I apolgized and explained. My Hubby actually wrote him a letter in anger about his haurting me. Yes, her spouse is sad and lost and I get that. But his response has somehow helped me to get to this place of doubting and an intense desire to speak with Jane just once. Just once I want to speak with her. I am greatful that I always told her I loved her. Angela, in a letter I sent to her spouse many weeks ago I asked for something, anything of Jane's, a barret, a sock, he never responded. I have the hat she made me. I feel like I don't know the truth because there her family is allowed to grieve for her and here I am 250 miles away and no one but my hubby who knew her and can share that. My other friend whose comfort I crave right now can't come till after Jan and all I want to do is snuggle in bed with her. She is an orphan and I know she knows. Beth, she did give birth to me, our relationship was private. When she came up to where I was going to college when I had my abortion one of her daughter's was incensed that she was not available to her during a crisis. Jane had to play it carefully, always putting family first and not allowing them to feel like they had to compete. It's funny because the children even speak to this at her memorial service of which I have a tape. My head my understand more then my heart right now. But I am lost and confused.