Hello Lulu_d: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't know as I have much of anything in the way of useful suggestions to offer. It seems to me that talking this sort of thing through, perhaps with a trusted friend or a therapist, is often the best recourse. Beyond that, if there is something you'd really enjoy doing, treating yourself to that may help as well. I do think this tends to be a particularly difficult time of year to be struggling with depression & to be having things go wrong as well. Please be gentle with yourself. And keep posting here on PC. It can help too.