So, around one and a half month ago, I started a new job after few months of being unemployed (it's extremely hard to find a good place to work in my country). Before that, I was working as a sales assistant for a year and it was exhausting and just too much for me (multitasking, dealing with hundreds of clients).

I make good money. I have a solid contract. The managers are really nice. There are only two shifts and I don't have to work at night. I was motivated and even getting up at 2 at night wasn't a problem. It's a physical job, where I stand and do some repeated tasks. The target is very high and I fall somewhere in the middle when it comes to efficiency.

The enviroment is pretty stressful and overwhelming for sensory sensitive person, though. The place is huge, there is thousand of coworkers who constantly walk next to you, behind you and in front of you. There are bright lights and some noise. Irritating, colourful work suits that constantly catch attention of my peripheral vision. It's a team work and you constantly have to interact with others, often spontaneously. Someone wants to chat, others need something, another ones bring you stuff and help you and you have to be nice and polite. People of many nationalities. The team if huge, yet it is a team. Many people remember you and your name.

It was fine at the beginning, yet social interaction is the biggest struggle of my life. The thing with me is that I want to interact with others but my way is not the good way.

I'm already stressed to the point every sound makes me angry.

First of all, I was born with congenital hypothyroidism and congenital adrenal hyperplasia (hyperandrogenism, high androgen levels also make me more harsh and nervous etc), the first one being treated with eleven years delay. I take high dosages of levothyroxine, yet I do have cognitive and psychomotor deficits because of that delay and some speech and performance issues that cannot be reversed. I have ADHD and Asperger's symptoms. I'm pretty attractive in my own way. However, I have a harsh, deep voice that I cannot control the pitch of and an unkind, intrusive gaze. My reaction is slower than the reaction of other people. In many things, I fall behind my peers. I failed at graduating, have issues with driving, don't form close relationships etc. My family never helped me with my issues, never noticed them. My father is extremely OCD and has Asperger's traits and his father seems to have a low functioning autism and was shunned away from society.

Throughout my life, I was bullied from the very beginning of my school career until my early adult life. I received lots of mental and physical abuse (especially when I was living abroad and was the only person of my nationality at school). I provoke people wherever I go, I seem to irritate them. Even on the beginning of this year, I was physically attacked during a party along with my friend by two drunk men and told by some girl how awful I am, that nobody likes me and I should die. I have a huge social anxiety. My body language is weird, so are the things I say and do sometimes (not going into the details, classical ASD issues). Also, few days after I started my job, someone in my close family has died. This year was mostly about hospitals and I saw many sick, dying people. It was stressful as hell.

But, apart from feeling anxious and hyper self-aware among people, there are few major issues.

First of all, I'm ashamed of my lack of non verbal skills. I appear mostly angry or bored or sad. I have issues with coming off as kind and polite. I cannot laugh, often don't catch jokes and irony or catch it with delay in time. People don't see any friendly signs from me. The worst it is when I seem to like someone and really want to interact with that person: I'm fine and the beginning when I meet them, an adrenaline rush, you name it, but then I just lose it and don't know how to behave to not, so I become even more harsh and ignorant and the person is confused. I had it with two people and almost felt like crying because I didn't want to make them feel ignored and didn't want to be rejected and thought of as unkind and unpleasant. Add to that that I seem to always catch that person with my eyes and seem to stare at her or him. I don't want to be ignorant, but I also don't want to be too much. I just don't know when to speak and how to speak and how much etc. Especially if it's a guy. I would love to act just neutral and a bit polite. I don't want to offend people. Also, I cannot multitask so it's often like I'm talking to someone at one moment, and then just cut the conversation and do my thing. One of the girls I was working with, after we had some long conversation, said she is amazed by how well-informed person I am, I seem to know about everything, it's unbelievable for my age etc, yet she agreed on my lack of nonverbal skills. Sometimes when I was working with some people that very joyful and joked and talk a lot I felt the pressure to pretend a smile or any facial expression and it looked ridicolous.

Generally, I don't have a problem with starting a relationship with others, it's maintaining them.

Saying weird stuff is a problem too. There were these 4 guys that were always saying great jokes and I was listening to what they say because I enjoyed it. And so I tried to talk to them and be funny and the conversation went the way that instead of saying "You have some hilarious sayings" I joked that I'm gonna record them and sell it to the tv bc it's great but they misunderstood it for recording it and going to the manager and got offended. I was like "No, wait, I mean, the tv... I really like your conversations!" which sounded even worse, ironic and like I'm constantly doing an eavesdropping. I felt so embarassed.

Another thing is something that I'm extremely self-conscious about after my driving instructor, an old, disgusting man, and his collegue were trying to sexually harass me and after that I saw that my personal boundaries are **** because I did stop it, but not enough and clearly. And perhaps, maybe because of that gaze, I do send some wrong signals.

Seems like some men feel no inhibition towards me, like I have a "do what you want" written on my forehead, or they think I'm flirting with them when I don't, not sure.

Few days ago, a new man at my job started talking to me (eyes bright, smiling in a way-too-sweet-way, started creeping me out from the very beginning) and after like 20 minutes he was offering me coffee which I refused (and he responded with a critical manner, so I immidiately had this red alert in my mind), then was running after me the whole day like some desperate creep (to hold my door, to say something, etc, which I find intrusive and pushy) and at the end of the day he said goodbye to me in a way that you don't speak to a person you know for one day. I was bit scared. The next day I was standing with a group of ppl at the bus station to work and he came with his friends and said hello to everyone and then was like "Where is Jane?" (me, a fake name), "Hello Jane!" and I said "Hi" in the most ****-off-me-way. Then, at the job, he standed behind me when I was working and was like "oh, there you are! I found you!" and since that time I never spoke to him again and was just ignoring him.

But he was not an only man who acted in a similiar manner. Before him, some boy was also bit like this, saying "hello" and approaching me hundred times a day (I think they fired him cause I don't see him again).

We had a new bus driver recently and - unlike previous ones- he is mean and coarse. Not so long ago, I was going into the bus and he was standing with other drives, smoking, and he just blocked my way to the door thinking it's fun and kept asking me something like "What will you give me?" "What will you give me?" and I was just like "I'm tired, move, right?" and he was like "oh, poor you" with irony. I find this kind of behaviour offensive from a tall, grown up man.

Now there is another one, bit delayed, trying to hit on me and meet me on coffee but this one is not that offensive so it's fine. I'm not sure if they find me attractive or odd (so they kind of want to provoke me because it would be fun to see me angry) but I just don't like being picked up, especially in a nasty manner and it stresses me even more.

All in all, it is all very exhausting.