And maybe a break is relative: before taking antipsychotics I've always thought that people could read my mind and I'm at the centre of everything and I can control everything and people just don't understand. Psychotic breaks just make those beliefs stronger and the danger more imminent and explicit/rationalised/situation-bound and make me express my fears (even if it's just trembling, not making sense and not wanting to eat or express myself).

I know schizoaffective disorder is the right diagnosis and not just BP. It was just another blow.

That's why I'm very much ashamed of psychotic breaks. If you just belief things without others knowing it, it's fine. But if you're so afraid and/or it's so important it shows or you express it, you're seen as crazy and you discover you've been crazy all along.

I once filled in a psychiological evaluation form when I was about 12 and asked whether I'd given "wrong" answers as a joke. That was a memorable step in a gradual process of realisation and discovery that I believe things others don't and to what extend. I didn't make much sense anyway. Even if I don't seem to make much sense now when talking about abstract ideas and mystical beliefs, it has dramatically improved. It's like learning a another language.

But chronic delusions are less bizarre. That's because the language I needed to learn is very abstract and psychosis is forced, rapid expression/rationalisation of abstract beliefs/emotions. I've had more practice. That's why it's less of a break in some ways but it's more likely to happen, there being less of a threshold, with generally less disorganisation, less destructive force, even though all my beliefs and assumptions are seen as disorganised. That's the paradox of early disorganisation or destruction/reduction. Brain reduction and conceptual reduction, abstract/associative thinking. It's probably why

But it's more lack of fear than fear, not just disorganised schizophrenia, but also BP.

In other words: chronic psychoticism/psychosis makes you rationally more flexible. Or (in other words) a break is less destructive, leading to a (bizarre) dream state, all jumbled, disorganised, ironically.