I'm sorry, that sounds so difficult. I'd also suggest fostering a child, which could lead to an adoption. One of my friends has 4 children, and 3 of them were foster children who they ended up adopting (2 were sisters who they adopted at the same time). It's a much less expensive option than private or international adoption. Assuming that's something you'd consider.

I'd also suggest therapy, for you individually and/or for you and H as a couple, to help you deal with the difficulties you've faced so far.