Something that troubles me, that I never really let myself think about before, it's on my mind now. I've shown bipolar traits since I was sixteen and really displayed them once I was seventeen. Before that, though, it was all lollipops and candy canes. Looking back, a lot of how I was before could easily to blamed on my environment at that time, but I don't know. Talking with a friend of mine who'd been through an eerily similar upbringing, I was hit with a shock that she didn't experience these feelings as a kid, like I had.
I should probably clear up what I'm referring to here. My earliest memories (kindergarten and a bit earlier) have, for my entire life, held the same feelings within them throughout. In these memories -- some good, some bad -- I have these overwhelming feelings of not belonging. I would sit alone during parties and family gatherings, the entire time believing that I wasn't supposed to be happy. I remember myself during early birthdays in which I would look at a present and think, "They just gave this to me because they're suppose to," and it wasn't in some way where I'd think I deserved it, in fact it was a feeling that no one really loved or care about me enough to get said present and mean it. I was convinced that my family didn't love me and that they'd all be better off if I weren't around. Keep in mind, I might've been five when I was thinking all of these things. I remember always feeling this way, I was always sad about something and I didn't know why.
Well, my friend didn't experience these things and come to find out, most people never experienced symptoms of depression at such a young age. Yet, I'm over here and have experienced these symptoms since I can remember, literally. I guess, I'm putting this out there as a desperate reach to see if someone on here knows what I'm talking about, or at least someone who can explain to me why a child that young would -- by clinical standards -- be suffering from depression. It doesn't make sense that, that young of a child wouldn't be happy, at all. Was I truly just born with depression or did something bring it on?