Greetings.

I've received a multiple diagnoses of personality disorders from various psychiatrists recently. They've varied somewhat, but the one I've received most often is NPD, though the most recent was simply 'mixed personality disorder'. Nevertheless, I did meet enough criteria for NPD in the recent diagnosis, too.

What do I think of the NPD diagnosis? Well, honestly, it doesn't really bother me at all. Actually, I rather like the idea of being a narcissist because it feels like the label validates me when I look down on the world for not going my way; I like that I'm deviant. However, apparently I'm more of a vulnerable narcissist, as I spend a lot of envying others and lamenting what I don't have. I'm in therapy because I also have depression and A LOT of anger, and that's getting in the way of my goals.

What do I want? Power, above all—wealth, influence, physical strength, and other kinds of worldly success...all of it, and the satisfaction of using my power to shape the world as I desire to be. Admiration, too, and that of millions. I wasn't celebrated enough to my satisfaction when I was growing up. It seemed like everyone else got their time on stage receiving the praise of an applauding audience, whereas insufficient talent in the eyes of others or simply fate prevented me from receiving the same as other children. At any rate, power and admiration are more important to me than morality and love (from what I know of the last; I don't experience a lot of it), though I generally follow rules and laws because I want to avoid the shame of being convicted of wrongdoing or crime (besides having a criminal conviction obstruct my goals). Sometimes, though, there are outbursts, and when that happens, I'll happily steamroll anyone who gets in my way.

I'm currently in a DBT programme, though my psychologist is also familiar with schema therapy, and may be using some elements of that as well. So far, it's been helping me cope with the extreme emotions when they come and preventing me from getting into trouble. As far as I'm concerned, what I want to get out of therapy is suffering less. I would never give up or tone down my ambitions for success, and my psychologist has emphasised that he doesn't want me to do so, because if he did, I'd make committing suicide a high priority.

Anyhow, that's me. I'm curious to meet other people who maybe experience some of the same stuff.