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Accept that you can't be certain about anything, can't assume anything and accept it will take quite some time to recover.
Many with disorganised SZ (-affective disorder; strange beliefs and experiences, gradually getting worse, starting very early; not assuming you have that but when things start early you adapt more easily) become (amateur) scientists because science assumes nothing's certain, every "truth" is just a theory.
Your perception is (at least) not all directly based on external influences, most of it is just you making sense of things, extrapolating things, if you like. Your thoughts aren't as autonomous as you might like.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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