So Im just a few days shy of a year of my ex-wife lwaving me. Which was christmas eve. I find myself oceans away from my family. Ive been havig weird thoughts lately that i cant talk about with anyone.

I miss her kind of. Or what we had. Im find myself desperetly wanting a close relationship again. I want my wife back. But Im not that stupid. Even if she showed up on my door step begging to work things out, Id never do it.

But I cant deny I still love her. And I want to be able to share the fact that i love someone with them. And if the impossible happened and she came back to me, after slamming the door in her face, I'd probably have to take a while week to put myself together again. She still will always have some pull on my heart strings.

I wish i could say I've moved on but that's not entirely true I guess. I just wish I knew what to do with all this.

At the very least, I've stopped hoping that I won't wake up when I go to sleep. And I've stopped writing letters in my head to her.

I was depressed before all this happened. But honestly I think it's what ultimatelyled her to cheat on me. I became depressed, and was scared to tell her about it. I felt she had enough to worry about. And I was so wrapped up in making sure she didn't feel insecure, that I ignored myself.

I let myself dig a hole that I couldn't get out of. Just so she could use the dirt to fill hers and then escape with the first guy that told her she was pretty.

I've stopped digging myself deeper, I just wish I knew how to get out. Or tht someone would throw me rope or something . I just want to be able to happy again.

I would've rather said this to someone in the chat. But I work in same hours that always keep me from talking when other people are there.