I'm still not completely sure if I have SPD, but that alarm at the back of my mind keeps bringing me to research more about it. I seem to fit the remote schizoid description best.
- When you think of yourself, aside from SPD, what stands out? The "three words to describe yourself" type thing.
Hobbyist, diverse, introvert.
- Can you remember a time before onset, or do you think it's always been there?
As far as I can remember, everything aside from the depression has always been there. The depression didn't start until sometime between the ages of 12-14 due to bullying and stress.
- What do others see? What have they observed? What do they like?
For the first few years, people saw a weird person since I was trying to hide it (that and the lack of social skills). Now that I stopped faking it that way, I'm mostly seen as normal and smart, but shy.
- Which pieces of SPD or your respective individual personality have given you the biggest hardships/problems/stressors socially or otherwise? Which have given advantages?
My emotions (whenever I wasn't faking) gave me trouble. I always had that feeling that there was something missing, like I should be feeling something stronger. I didn't feel human. My emotions are, however, stronger when I'm by myself or daydreaming. On the other, I guess I can be a decent voice actress after all of that time faking.
- What pieces of you contradict your SPD dx?
I used to care about forming platonic relationships, but after moving somewhere every 2-4 years before going to college, I grew more apathetic. Aside from that? I can hold grudges.
- What are your favorite parts? Your least favorite?
Whenever I do feel a strong enough positive emotion, I feel so alive. However, every time I do, I get exhausted.
- What do you like to do? If you work, what is your job?
I like composing music, programming things in JAVA, learning about different things, listening to music, etc. I don't have a job yet, but I'm currently in college pursuing an electronics and engineering degree.
- Do you care that you're different? Do you wish you didn't have SPD?
I'm used to being different. Even in personality, I'm different compared to most people I know, including my relatives.
- Growing up (or presently), did you feel a need to be individual, or a greater desire for conformity? Or did you not care about one way or another?
I used to want to conform, but every time I tried, it didn't feel right. I ended up sculpting various things about myself from scratch, and have never felt better.
- What do you want to improve?
I wouldn't minded finding a way to feel stronger emotions more. There were times that I needed to express myself, but couldn't. I feel like, if I were to cry more often, I'd feel better for a longer amount of time (those memories of who I used to be still haunt me sometimes).
People that are too stupid. I went to school with enough of those. Loud eating, those fake personas I had, and remembering middle school (even with the bullying, it was terrible).