OK. Let's see if I can sum this up. I am now 64yo.
I have been an RN for many years, most of those years, and before that, I have worked full time. Over the past couple of years, I have cut back to doing what I enjoy most---sub-school nursing, and summer/other camp nursing.
My plan was to work an 8-10week summer camp (residential with housing etal provided---I've done this several summers), and travel much of the rest of the year.
I have been sidetracked into working per diem for schools, and have developed anxiety around applying for camp jobs....even sometimes turning down school work even though I get positive feedback consistently (so far). I did have an uneasy camp experience that wasn't terrible/and wasn't anyone's fault but for some reason the anxiety has settled in and GROWN.
When I went online to apply for health insurance, I was notified my income is so low that I qualify for Medicaid. But, I do have some savings, do not want to be on Medicaid (will qualify for Medicare next year and that is fine) as I can work more/pay for my health care at this time...
My dilemma is whether to focus on the summer camp (I just partially completed an application or three) or look for a full time job for the next year or so....there are some jobs I will no longer accept. well, the third alternative is to spend the money on a used travel-friendly vehicle (not an RV, I love to camp and don't want hookups) and leave what is left here behind...(things)...
just GO, do it....take a flying chance at what I have wanted to do for years...
What is going on in my head is something like this "....look at all those young faces, you are too old, your teeth are bad, you will feel even worse about yourself...you should just get a vehicle and travel, get over it, do what you want, but what do you want, is it OK? ....I fear dependency, I fear failing, I fear trying right now....and tomorrow, I will be subbing, it will likely go well as usual but I notice I am feeling uneasy at work....I have been on the same meds for years, fluoxetine and clonazepam ---no changes---no physical health problems (except the teeth...and others don't really seem to notice, or if they do don't say anything...) ----It is as if unless I am full time, I become frightened...and I think I may also be losing interest....
I think I am just looking to write this out, get some support, suggestions...
feeling so uneasy....(nothing new but more persistent/intense)---
sometimes, i think i should just get a low wage job that will keep my busy physically, and not challenge my mind....