For the past month or so, I've been experiencing complete breaks from reality so scary that it takes everything in my power to bring myself out of them. This is not something that has happened to me on this level before aside from flashbacks with some sort of trigger that I could identify and I would always have at least one foot rooted in reality. Once I come out of the break, I then I have to deal with a panic attack (severe) and have to fight the urge for the cycle to repeat itself... not a pleasant experience. The following are a few examples of some of the breaks I've been going through. All have been reported to my therapist and p-doc.

The first of these happened while I was on one of my nightly walks. No identifiable trigger with this one (no flashback prewarning either), but suddenly I was sucked into a reality break in which I was being attacked by several males and I was fighting back. Apparently, this went on while I was walking.... I walked several blocks, had crossed a street even, and I had no idea I had done so. I finally came out of this state and it felt like I was clawing my way out of a deep pool towards the surface of reality. The break was so real in that I could feel their hands on me, I could smell their scent, etc. It was difficult to come out of this, but I made it out and then had to nurse one hell of a panic attack thereafter alone on the street.

The second reality break (no trigger, no flashback) incident happened on another one of my evening walks. I had become a nineteen-year-old female who was highly intoxicated and trying to hide from the police so I wouldn't get caught after hours in the park. The problem is that I had climbed over the safety fence and was dangling precariously over the bluffside of the park. I then lost my grip and fell to my death. Before impact, I came out of the reality break and found myself on my knees on the sidewalk in tears and shaking with an instant panic attack. I had apparently walked a few blocks while this one went on too.

Just last night I was sitting in my home watching television (a light comedy at that) and I began to hear pounding on my door with a shouting of a familiar voice that I thought I would never hear again. "I know you're in there!" the voice kept saying and the pounding kept persisting. I was convinced Jim finally found me and was going to finish the job of shooting me that he couldn't do the first time around when the cops intervened. The pounding was louder, his voice was taunting, I kept trying to pull myself out of this hell. I saw his face in the window and he started knocking on the back door and tapping there. My hand went several times to the phone to dial 911, but my rational side kept fighting back saying he is not really there. I'm not sure how much time passed, but it seemed like forever. Finally, I banished his jeering ghost and nursed the panic attack, but I just couldn't stop crying. My husband came home from work to find me a balled up mess cowering in a corner holding the phone.

Like I said, these are just a sampling of some of what has been going on. Some happen outside, some in my home... the only common factor is all happen when I'm alone. I've already spoken to my therapist about it and my p-doc has also been informed. I just find this extremely alarming and I feel like I am losing control here when I have fought so hard this long to try to gain control.