Hi steelcurtain

It must be feeling like a real blow that the treatment you might need could be there but you aren't being allowed to access it........yet........I'm sorry
But first of all..........those feelings that you're a burden, letting everyone down and failing.........this/depression is absolutely not your fault, if you had a broken leg you wouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to walk on it, right?!?!
Well with depression, which I'm sure you know, sometimes however badly you want to do something, however much you try, it just isn't going to happen, so sometimes it's just about doing all you can.
And if people could see inside when..........well it can sometimes be an amazing feat of strength to get up, yes?? So there have to be plenty of times when the last thing on earth you are is a burden/failing.........even if it's just about getting up by 4pm..........so I'd say some substitutes for those words should be majorly impressive, outstanding inner strength, inspiring........OK??
And you're still making appointments!!! Which is SO good!!!
Maybe throw it over to your providers as in "Well what are you going to do to help me get more stable to make it into residential??" or "What are you going to do to help me not need to go into residential??". But ultimately push them to do something more.
And you mentioned trauma.........there may be other charities and helplines who could help just a little too............so maybe try for all the help there is out there, if your providers are a little "slow"??
You haven't been wasting your life , it sounds like you've had a natural response to.........and you need help (as I'm guessing anyone would in your situation, whatever that is).............so let us be a part of your support system and add to the amazing strength you already have (as discussed!!), and help you find the direction to get that, hey??



Alison