I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is understandable that you are only able to begin processing it now you are stable. Let yourself grieve and be kind and gentle to yourself. It will take time to deal with such a deep loss. I am glad to hear you are stabilising and I hope that continues. I have found for myself that there are many things I cannot process until I am stable so it is a common experience. Do you have a T you can talk to about this. Talking will help. We are all here for you too. Post as much as you need.