I've had dreams and aspirations my entire life. I've tried so hard to get there and I feel so pathetic because I never get anywhere. I've listened to advice on how to achieve, I've took advice, I've been proactive, I've talked with people, I've begged, I've done every little thing I can think of for over 30 years.

Nothing has worked. I've gone nowhere. There was one point earlier this year where I almost got to the point where I could believe that things could get better. For daring to think that I've been rewarded with depression and/or anxiety ever since.

I need proof. I need someone or something to prove to me that there is a point to trying. I need proof that there is a way to get from Point A to Point B, 150% guaranteed, no exceptions, A to B, done.

It doesn't have to be big. Even proof of something minor would mean SO MUCH to me right now.

I talked to a crisis line about this once and was told it sounds like I expect the world on a platter. I don't. And I don't care if that's what I sound like. I don't care if I sound selfish anymore.

If I can't see proof that trying will get me anything, I'm going to stop. Because after 30 years of trying, I feel like the butt of everyone's joke.