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Originally Posted by jaynedough
Does anyone else have this problem?
It seems like I alienate everyone. I don't like to socialize because of this, as well as the fact that socializing makes my symptoms worse. The worst part is that I don't usually know what I've said or done to piss people off. It's been over a year since I went to my neighbors' party. I told them many times over the years why I don't socialize, and they kept telling me it'd be fine. So I went to three parties. It was the third one that did it.
They don't talk to me anymore. Their extended family members act like I'm invisible if I wave or say Hi. This family told me to think of them as family. Since the deaths of my parents, they were the ones I counted on being able to call in an emergency, which I rarely did. It makes me feel horrible knowing that I did something to cause this alienation. I feel so alone now.
Added to this is the fact that I didn't get invited to my own family's graduations. That when I send money, I get no reply. My siblings say they'll call and I wait for the call, but it never comes.
I've been crying so much about this. I hate this.
And I still don't know what I said to piss these people off. My neighbors are very nice, laid back people, so it must've been bad. I feel so horribly guilty. And worthless. And alone. |
My illness alienates me from myself. I often have the sensation that I am outside myself and am watching everyone around me as they pretend to be real people but are actually actors whose role is to aggravate and torment me into continuing mental illness. It's like
The Truman Show, where I am the only real person on earth, and everyone else is just faking it. Except that I'm alienated from myself also. For example, my father recently died, and I
knew that he wasn't really dead but was whooping it up with Asian porn stars while my mother pretended he was dead. This was done to bring me pain and to keep me mentally ill. I was alienated from my own experience of my father's death. That's the illness doing that. That's how I experience alienation.
As for friends, they try to ignore my illness and talk about other things. It took years before I would talk about it with anyone except immediate family. Now I talk about it frequently, and my friends pretend I didn't say anything. They just don't want to know, or if they listen to me, they minimize the symptoms. Other friends have abandoned me entirely once they realized I was not trying to be funny about my illness. Real mental illness = really out of here.