IN January 1986 we lost Challenger... in April, Chernobyl blew, and in December I was disabled. NOT a good year. But while it might have affected us all psychologically, it mainly affected the Ukraines with thyroid cancer.... I doubt it is any foundational matter for USA society to become angry at life!

But I digress... my main purpose in posting is to your main thoughts of value: "and there's nothing I can do about any of this because I don't even know if I want to change. I'd pop a valium if I had one to kill the anxiety, but change it all, change my entire ...everything... I don't know how to want anything else. All I want is destruction. "

You DO want to change, or you would not have phrased all the stuff you are suffering with the way you did. And you DO know there's something you can do about it, because you have already begun by posting here!

Since you are under the influence from time to time, then it becomes necessary to sort through your thoughts and find the real ones, and the ones the drugs are giving you. A tough task!

What you describe is addiction. You need treatment for it. Also, you might consult your doctor about attention deficit disorder.

I could tell you are young by the way you talk, the problems you have, and the coping methods you are trying to use. Plus, a big give-away is the numerous curse words you use; very juvenile.
I also suspect that you are into demonology or satanic worship. That, in itself, will mess you up. IMPO

It is good that you have come here. DocJohn has developed a really good support site for ppl who wish and need to heal. Please come back often, and many of the good members here will help you get through life a little less lonely.