hey couch! home from an emotional session with t. she didn't quite agree with my being so black and white about she and I not being friends. I was very surprised by her thoughts in that regard. But I stuck to my guns that I needed to come to that realization within myself, that she and I are not friends, we are something else. Something unique unto the therapeutic relationship. I told her I have to be black and white about it otherwise I struggle too much with wanting more. She asked me what that looks like, what the fantasy is. I didn't know. But I figured it out on the way home. I want to mean as much to her as she does to me. Like a lot of us here probably feel. So we'll talk about that next week. I read her what I had written to her as a christmas gift, a short little thank you and why I'm thanking you kinda thing. She got a little teary-eyed. I was glad she closed her eyes while I read, otherwise if I'd seen her watching me read, I'd have been bawling! Oh yeah also I did a sand tray. It made me feel really happy standing back and looking at it with her, wish I'd taken a picture of it. But she did. At some point I'm supposed to get copies of them all. I told her it's just amazing to me how when you don't even know you're going to do a sand tray, and then you do, and without even thinking about it, it so very much reflects how you feel on the inside. I love it.

ETA: I just emailed t with the above answer to her earlier question. I am now having second thoughts and so finishing the bottle of wine I opened was it last night? or the night before I forgot.