So it's four days away from Christmas now and the fear is hitting me pretty hard now. I don't deal with the holidays for reasons I don't want to get into. I just want to say I usually spend Christmas alone or at a friend's house that takes pity on me. Sometime around this time I usually go ip. This year I want things to be different but yet a part of me doesn't want to deal with it. I don't want to be with friends. I want to be around my family who say they love me. I don't want to think about why they don't want me around. I know I can't do this though because I made a goal to not go ip for a year plus I have to step because I am possibly getting a job in mental health and I need to be a role model for others. I know what I need to do but why is it that I can't put this dark idea of avoiding this pain away? Why can't I stop being so fearful?