I have this unrealistic- not totally conscious- plan that I need to have my life all together and be healthy and happy and have everything figured out before I let anyone near me or allow myself to entertain the idea of a relationship. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I feel like it will be too overwhelming to deal with it all at once even though I know logically- that's life. Part of me feels like it's because I'm afraid if I let myself hope for anything to happen right now I will get let down because no good relationship could come at this time- because no respectable person would be interested in the severely flawed, unhealthy, overweight version of me that exists at the moment. And still another thing I'm thinking is that this whole idea that I'm the one making the decision to keep everyone at a safe distance for whatever reason is just a mental coverup for the fact that there has been no interest and no activity in that area of my life for a good four years. Is it really that I am keeping men away on PURPOSE? Or are they just staying away?