I haven't had a session like this in a long time. I cried all the way home in the car and felt like I wanted to die! I emailed T. I didn't try to stop myself because I felt so bad. Last week I didn't email at all so it's not like I can't do it.

I started to tell T my reasons for wanting and not wanting to see her bf's picture. She right away said she didn't think it was a good idea. I read from my journal, which was very brief, about my feelings. I started to read some questions I had and asked if she wanted to hear them. She said "no", and immediately asked me how my week was.

I froze. I couldn't talk, couldn't look at her. I was playing with play doh and I continued doing that, but otherwise I felt immobilized. She asked if I could make myself with the play doh. I made a small rolled up creature, but I felt dead. I think she talked about how it doesn't help to go "there" again, that our work together is about me. I couldn't concentrate on hearing that.

All too soon there was 5 minutes left and she wanted to know what we could do so I would feel better. I didn't know. I just said I hate sessions like these. I couldn't get much out of it. We walked out together but even that didn't help. I vaguely remember talking about something else in the beginning of the session. I asked her to try to remember what she told me about showing my work at a certain gallery. She doesn't remember and asked if I knew I was being a little mean about it. So we discussed being mean and where I got that from. Otherwise it was a terrible session.

She said nothing changed when I said we don't have a real relationship. She says she tells me some things, mostly about her, which is true. She volunteered that her bf looked like George Clooney. I wasn't sure what he looked like so I googled him in my car. He's good-looking. So, I'm jealous after all! I'm not sure why she told me that. It was really a crappy session!

I think my T could have been more sensitive and not rushed into "how was your week?" She said she was redirecting me. So I feel depressed and angry with her and me. I sabotaged my session!! I thought I was better. Therapy is not about T's life no matter how friendly she is. Oh, yes. She told me everyone has boundaries, even me.

I was busy helping a friend pack tonight but now I'm home alone and I feel like nothing matters. T asked in the session if it was my quicksand feeling. She knows me better than I know myself. I wish I didn't feel so devastated right now.