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Old Dec 22, 2016, 11:17 AM
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Magnate
 
Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: A version of earth
Posts: 2,626
Depression at 9 after about 2 years of mild, reactive instability (severe at about 12; hebephrenic; 7 years in total, of which 2.5 years were spent on recovery), long period of hypomania at 21, mania/mixed and incongruent psychosis and hallucinating people at 25 lasting 1–2 years (after that a less severe mixed state for 3 years, with definitely periods of stability, pretty much, but incongruent psychosis as well). Another period of more pure mania (followed by non-affective psychosis with quite some overlap) at age 30.

I've always experienced very mild hallucinations at least since age 9, but it's not severe enough and it is chronic enough that I didn't recognise it as such. I still sometimes only notice I have been experiencing hallucinations after they're gone. Delusions have been a problem and many I also had not recognised as such, but I was always trembling. It's all been noise and fear that was suddenly gone after I was put on (enough; they tried it when I was manic with 1/3 of what is considered within a therapeutic range, which didn't help much for the mania, let alone the chronic symptoms) antipsychotics. The trembling stopped.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
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