Good morning! I'm feeling very overwhelmed today, so please bear with me if this post turns out to be longer than I intended it to be.

To begin with, I would like to make it clear that I'm fully aware that the situation I'm living in now is my fault for allowing myself to become dependent on people who are toxic and oppressive. I have no problem admitting that -- as my grandmother liked to say to people who play an active role in their own unhappiness -- "I've made my bed, and now I need to sleep in it". Since I've made that known, I'll go ahead and get to the point.

Like many of us here, and everywhere else, my life is very challenging. During the first week of January 2017, my pending divorce will be finalized. I separated from my husband of 5 years (a relationship of 7 years) in February of 2016, and my life has been (mostly) pretty desolate since my husband left the household. I offered my husband a fair separation agreement, and he refused to sign it for several reasons that were incredibly petty. If necessary, I will elaborate if anyone cares to know, but it was mostly things like... "The kids can't have a passport, I don't want you to remarry someone in a foreign country.", and, "You can't use my last name on social media anymore.". Truly petty stuff. I can assure anyone reading this that the separation agreement I had drafted by my attorney was equally fair to both my husband and I. I chose an attorney who is a father's rights advocate, as well as being the court appointed mediator for family law issues where all details of the separation agreement can't be resolved amicably without assistance. My husband was always problematic and I was worried that he wouldn't get a "fair shake" in the agreement, unless I sought the help of an attorney who would understand my desire for my husband to receive the help he needs, and be allowed the opportunity to have access to our children. He will always be their father, and I will always be their father. It was important to me to salvage whatever romantic feelings I had for him and turn them into a friendship, even if it's a little phony. It's best for everyone, most importantly the children. Making enemies and vilifying others before giving them a chance to do better never did anyone any good. I've done my best with their dad, he didn't want me, it was time to give up and move on.

I got married because my husband wanted to marry me ASAP, because I was carrying twins, who are now 5 years old... a boy and a girl. They were born during our first year of marriage.

On our 3rd wedding anniversary, our son was diagnosed with what I refer to as "profound autism"... It just sounds more loving and accepting than "severely autistic"... that always somehow struck me as a "put down".

Having one child on the spectrum is bound to be a bit of a challenge for anyone -- especially a newly single mom of twins -- but it's especially challenging for me because our daughter was evaluated and diagnosed with higher functioning ASD earlier this year at the advice of her pediatrician. Her assessment had some other remarks regarding the behaviors they observed during sessions. Her final evaluation notes indicate that she shows very strong ASD traits and she may require significant support moving forward, but that many observed ASD traits may also be attributed to PTSD. She was also diagnosed with ODD, and the final notes from her evaluation state that I need to place her in therapy, preferably family therapy, so we can all be on the same page regarding how to work with her to give her the best chance of being as functional as possible, without bullying her brother and being an antagonist (for lack of a better word) to those around her.

I love my twins more than anything, but they are incredibly challenging to raise alone, without the help of their father. He has been almost completely absent since he left the home, and he has provided almost no financial support. He gave me $150 just a couple months ago, but has provided nothing else to benefit our children. Our daughter blames me for her father's absence, even though I always contact him to let him know she'd like to speak with him. Our son is almost completely non-verbal, but they do FaceTime video chat occasionally. Our daughter tells me that I "won't let her talk to daddy" and that she "hates me" when he will not return my messages or calls. It's frustrating, but I understand how frustrated she must be. I try my best to be as loving and supportive of my children as I can, because I know this has not been easy for me... and I'm a young adult. They're just small children, and this must be extremely difficult for them to adjust to. I do not blame my children.

When speaking to me during the intake visit, the twins' psychologist told me that I may benefit from seeking an evaluation of my own, because I show many signs of a person on the autism spectrum who "fell through the cracks" and was never properly diagnosed or treated. She says that I have a remarkable memory for dates and numbers, and I am more concise in my speech than most adults she has ever assessed. I filled out my children's intake packets with an ultra-fine point archival ink pen, in tiny text, so that I didn't miss a single detail regarding my observations of them. I was told that I did most of the work for them, and they would just have to spend time with the children to verify my assessments versus their own. I felt that may be important to mention, since I'm not exactly "normal" myself. I'm happy with who I am, though, but I have some sensitivities that make it difficult to cope with anything more than making sure my children are cared for and safe 24 hours a day. It's basically a full time job.

In the state where I live, legal separation doesn't exist. A married couple must file for a divorce, and if they're unable to come to a reasonable agreement on their own, a Judge is appointed and court hearings are scheduled to work out any details that the couple was unable to resolve through a mutually approved, signed and notarized, separation agreement. Sometimes a hearing isn't necessary if the relationship is tumultuous but not abusive. Once a judge receives and signs any agreements made by the divorcing couple, the marriage is, in general, officially dissolved after 30 days. I mentioned that because my husband had made threats during the year to pick the children up from any school or daycare that I may consider placing them in, and that he would be under no obligation to return them to me based on the laws in our state.

He was correct about the laws regarding custody arrangements when a marriage is still intact but the parents of the minor children are living separately, and I took his threats quite seriously. During 2014 he attempted suicide on their bedroom floor - he spent a week in the State mental facility - and during 2015 he projected guilt on me for his own actions of being unfaithful to me, and returned home from a trip and threatened me with a .22 LR, and then threatened to slit my throat with a knife while our children were present and listening to him berate me. There was another incident during a visit he had with the children during April of 2016, where he verbally abused me using several swear words. It took many months to break our daughter's habit of saying, "Daddy doesn't love you anymore and he broke your heart. I think you're a B****, because daddy thinks you're a B****.". This was all very traumatic for the children. I had a right to be present for that visit, because of my husband's consistent past behavior that was violent, self-injurious, and indicative of quite a lot of instability on his part. I don't expect him to be perfect. I am not perfect, and neither is anyone else. We're all unique, just like everyone else. I did have a right to be present for any visits that took place away from the property where the children and I live, because he was adamant about taking the children home with him, and I didn't trust him to bring them back.

During May of 2016 I hired an attorney to create a fair separation agreement so that we could divorce, like he wanted, quickly, and with as little trauma to our children as possible. Litigation is never good for the children. Co-parenting should always be attempted before taking drastic measures that may be damaging to the minor children of a marriage, or any other family members who have any interest in the divorce situation. That is the agreement he refused to sign for petty reasons. I had spoken with him and taken notes which we both agreed to, and once I had the agreement drafted and mailed to him, it suddenly was "no longer good enough". That was partially due to the fact that my son was approved for SSDI funds, and his dad seemed (and still does seem) to be interested in making use of some of that money. I'm happy to help with certain safety measures in their father's home, as that's what the funds are intended for, but I almost feel as though their father should pay for those items as there will be a child support arrearment for the past 4 months or more, and I shouldn't have to give our son's money to him when he hasn't been paying anything to support his own children.

Sorry, I'm digressing and going into WAY too much detail. I had to take an anxiety pill for the first time all month because I'm so overwhelmed with the lack of support from my family, which I will get to now. I'm very sorry for the length of this post! Truly sorry!

So I am overwhelmed today because my parents, who I am living with, seem to want Nothing to do with the twins. My mother is 60 years old and in good health, and she works full time at a job I actually used to do myself for 6 years. I know what the job entails, and it does not involve any physical labor. I'm not saying that she has no right to be stressed, or that she should be obligated to help me, but she spends virtually no time with the twins, and she never has since they were born. It makes me sad for my children, because grandparents should be a bit more supportive and treat their grandchildren like they enjoy them. Nobody has ever taken the twins out without me being present. Neither of my parents are able to cope with my children.

My mother becomes embarrassed/ashamed when she walks into a store with my son and he has a meltdown. She can't cope with people staring at her, or asking if he's okay. In contrast, I'm grateful when other people ask if he's okay, because it gives me an opportunity to introduce him to someone new and let them know he has autism, which helps people become more knowledgeable about children like him. He does very well with other adults ensuring him that he's okay, and that he's a wonderful boy. I think it's good for him. Everyone always tells him how cute and sweet he is, and he enjoys compliments just like any child.

My father is kicking a clonopin habit that's been going on for a couple years. He quit taking 2-3 mg daily about 5 weeks ago. He tried to tell me that the medication isn't physically addictive, but I know that isn't true. I take clonopin myself, but I literally only take it as needed, which averages 5-6 mg per month. My father is 72 years old, and in mostly good health with the exception of some COPD. He was using the clonopin far too regularly in order to nap all day, which meant that my children were not allowed to leave their bedroom or my bedroom. I am not allowed to use the family vehicles because my husband had an awful driving record, which somehow leads my parents to believe that my perfect driving record means nothing. My children and I are trapped here in this oppressive house.

I hope nobody takes offense to the analogy I use for my children, but I think of my son like a small fire that's growing and needs to be put out before it spreads, and I think of my daughter like an accelerant being poured on the fire while I'm actively trying to put out the fire. The fire is me trying to work on his behavior before he's older and more set in his ways, and the accelerant is my daughter antagonizing him and hindering his progress... likely because she perceives that special attention he receives as an injustice to her. She is jealous. She misses her dad. She misses her dad and I living together with her. Her life has changed a lot, and that's a lot for a little girl to cope with. However, it's also a lot for me to cope with, so I have a very hard time coping with other people passing judgement on me for my inability to drop everything and get certain things done. I am paying rent, but it's hard to get the dishes done at a moments notice, or hard to sweep up the crumbs my son drops on the floor when he eats at the table and makes a mess, then has a meltdown and wants to start injuring-himself. He does not want to wear his helmet, he doesn't like the sensation of it on his head, and it makes him even more upset. I typically hold him and do joint compression, or "squeezy hugs", or roll a yoga ball on him to give him a more appropriate form of stimuli than self injury. He also seeks vestibular input, so spinning him, swinging him, or saying "ready-set-go!" and tossing him gently onto a crash pad really helps minimize his less desirable sensory seeking habits.

My problem is... in a nutshell... life is hard, but I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I'm a good mother, and I'm coping with my children's needs to the best of my abilities. I couldn't put them in pre-k because of their father's threats, and they are too young for kindergarten. My divorce is only just now about to be final, and I will be able to get them into special needs daycare quite soon. Once that happens, I can begin working again, and we won't be such a thorn in my parents' sides. I just think it's sad, and it gets me very overwhelmed, when I go to seat my son at the kitchen table to eat breakfast at 08:00, and my father becomes furious that my son's excessive screaming, or my daughters "deliberate button pushing", is such an issue for my father that he yells at me and criticizes my ability to be a parent in the presence of my children, before storming off to his room to go back to bed. I find it very sad that my parents, the grandparents who can't cope with my children, would judge me for how I am coping.

Also, my mom seems to be incredibly vicarious about my entire situation. She doesn't really love my father, and has told him he would be better off dead for his insurance money, so she can pay off her car and a big chunk of what they owe on the house. He has prostate cancer, not severe now, and slow growing. He will probably outlive the cancer at the slow rate it's growing, with treatment. He didn't start being so unbearably surly and judgemental until he became more dependent on clonopin. She regrets separating from him about 10 years ago, then returning to him, so it seems that any time I am experiencing happiness, she comes up with a lengthy list of bullet points stating every reason why I should never do a single thing to be happy myself. It's sad. I do deserve to be happy, and I can cope with my children's needs while also working on being happy myself. I'm a very capable person, and it really brings me down when people try to make me feel like I'm not. It actually diminishes my ability to cope with what's currently on my plate. Every day, I'm fine, until someone sticks their nose in my business and makes me feel unwelcome and unloved.

Every time I have a good day where I am coping well with my children and working with them nicely, someone has to pass judgement or scrutinize something I should have "stopped putting out the fire" to do immediately, like cleaning up after my son while he's still eating. My father has a lot of neurotic/compulsive ritual behaviors, and he can't tolerate me waiting for my son to finish eating before I clean up after him. I simply do not have time to lord over my son while he eats, cleaning up each crum as it falls. That's expecting way too much of me.

It makes me angry that people who can't cope with what I cope with would judge me so harshly and try to make me feel inadequate. I'm doing my best. I intend to place my children into daycare and begin working so I can get a place of our own as quickly as possible, but it's as if my parents can no longer tolerate the presence of my "challenging" children, and that's very sad to me. I'm sad for my children as much as I am for myself. Life is hard for us here, and I just want to move out.

Last (sorry this got so long, I'm way too relaxed... like I stated before, I only take my clonopin as needed) I tried to move out of my parents' home when I was 18 years old. I was making $1,700.00 a month, I was single, had no children, and I was looking for a studio apartment that would cost about $450.00 each month. I was making my own car payment, and my job was stable. I had that job from the time I was 18 until I stopped working to help my husband with raising the twins. 6 years. I could have lived in a studio apartment, but my mother walked in while I was browsing available units and laughed at me, telling me that I was an idiot to think I'd ever make it in life without her support. She said that I had no idea what actually goes into living independently, and that I should just keep living with them because I was welcome there, and she didn't want to have to "rescue me", which she said was inevitable because I am "clueless".

I feel that she's a bit narcissistic, and possibly has some issues with being a "combative mother". She inflates her own self worth by stomping mine down, and has - on several occasions - told me that I would never make it in life without her, or that I am nothing without her. That's very self important behavior, and I see that now, but when I was younger I really took a lot of what she said to heart and it discouraged me from reaching for independence, getting a taste for it, and working my butt off to keep myself independent.

So sorry for the rant. I'm just overwhelmed and fed up with people behaving like toxic oppressors to my children and I. It's hard enough coping with the challenges in my life without the additional judgement/scrutiny I face whenever my children and I leave the room we're cooped up in as we don't feel welcome in the presence of my own parents, who don't wish to spend any personal time with the twins. Again, I understand that I chose to believe that I wasn't able to be independent, and I chose to stay in a bad marriage, and that led me to where I am now. I just wish that my parents understood... I'm trying my best, and they shouldn't be acting overwhelmed when I'm the one providing all the oversight and care for my own children -- as I should -- and they don't spend time with them at all. They just avoid us and treat us like a nuisance. Life is crummy, but I do have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot to look forward to. It's just hard to deal with the toxic people at the moment.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Whew! I'm a bit embarrassed by that. Oh well!