Thanks so much for your reply! I really appreciate the encouragement! My son is in OT, but he was disqualified from ST because his Medicaid changed once he started receiving SSDI funds. I've had to use his SSDI funds for safety improvements in the home, including patching several extremely large holes - by myself - that he knocked in the walls with his head. I wanted to patch them when they were just small holes, but my mom is kind of a dope (sorry to be so blunt about her intellect regarding drywall patching) and she said that they would require a professional to fix. I patched them all for about $175. There were a total of 14 holes because she refused to let me fix them myself. It simply was not safe for my son, and I convinced my father to take me to the hardware store to buy the supplies. I need to repaint the walls, as I believe he will be far too attracted to the spots that are white from the spackling compound, and he will pick at them, just like he did with the dents, which became holes, which became bigger holes. He's extremely quiet. When he wakes up, he doesn't always knock politely on his door to let me know it's time to get him. Sometimes he would just silently pick at the drywall and draw on the other walls with it like chalk. It's hard to wake up after just 3 hours of sleep, if he had a rough night and didn't want to go to sleep at a normal time.

His circadian rhythm seems to be a bit wonky with all the changes going on, and his father suddenly reappearing to spend time with him. I'm not complaining at all. It's a great thing, and every child should have access to both parents if possible. I had it written into the agreement that my husband would be required to get anger management and behavioral therapy twice a month in order to maintain his guaranteed visitation. The scheduled visits are absolutely standard... they will be with their father every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening.

I need to get my son on ABD medicaid - which may take longer than I'd like - so he can get back into speech therapy, but I have had some success with him at home having him sit on my lap and put his hand on my mouth, and the other hand on my throat while I say the word I'm asking him to say. Example: MUH-MUH-MUH-MORE, then I show him the ASL sign for more. He's been making more combinations of sounds, but his words are still limited. Simple words that will help him to communicate and be a bit less frustrated. He's kind of stuck on using "hand over hand" to show me things... like, he would rather grab my hands, and make me sign "more" than to use his own hands to sign "more", or "use his words". I try to be very consistent with my methods, using the same technique his therapist uses. I tell him "use your walking feet, no running here", and "hold hands for safety". Things like that. He's doing quite well, but he would certainly benefit from a social setting with other children like him, receiving daily therapy, and seeing other children have their turn.

I intend to get him into school as soon as possible, but he will likely have a better chance of getting into daycare sooner than he is approved for ABD Medicaid. I will still get both, because I know that he only has about 3 years time to make any "major progress", and after that he can still make some progress, but it won't be as significant as the progress he's capable of during this time for him. It's imperative to intervene now for best results.

He gets $733/month from SSI, and my parents get $400/month of that for rent. The case worker went over the household bills with me (mortgage, electric, gas, water, groceries), and determined that it was the fair amount to be paying to my parents to live here. Lately I've had to use whatever is left to buy safety improvement items, like 8mm thick shatterproof glass cover. He had a self-injury incident in September that sent him to the emergency room to get 8 stitches on the bridge of his nose.

I have some books about the verbal behavior approach, and some about ABA. I try to not be too "positive" or too "negative" when he behaves desirably/undesirably, unless praise is absolutely warranted. I try to keep my words with him more neutral, like... "I like when you listen.", and, "I don't like it when you throw your food at the table".

As far as my daughter is concerned, I will need to have her get therapists for all of the conditions she received strong indicators of in her evaluation before I proceed with anything new, like school. I think she would really benefit from some personal time with me and/or her father while her brother is in school for a while, and it would help with all of the appointments she will need. The psychologist explained that I should basically imagine a visual of her assessment results like a venn diagram... with a circle for each condition she seems to have strong markers for. ADD/ADHD, ODD, ASD, PTSD... and that I should have her in treatment for all of those conditions to identify how to proceed with her individualized education plan, and which conditions are really the "culprit" here. That will likely take up a lot of time on a lot of weekdays, so it will help to have her brother in school so I can tackle the therapy for her before placing her in school.

It's been hard to work with her on things a normal 5 year old girl should be doing, because work materials go straight into her brother's mouth, and he's very destructive. She gets jealous of the special attention he receives, as his condition is more "profound" than hers. She probably feels that the end of my marriage and "normal life as she knew it" was an injustice against her, and being asked to "help me by helping her brother to stay on task, and not distract him", is also an injustice. She's just a child, wanting to be a normal child, and she likely feels personally wronged. When I put myself in her shoes, life for her kind of is a bit unfair, and I can't expect her to cope with that like I would. Some personal time, and therapy to identify the root of her bullying and button pushing, should really benefit her before starting school. She may even be able to attend normal school, once things "settle" down here. She loves other children, she loves to learn, she is identifying letters out of order spelling words, identifying shapes - including complex shapes and 3d shapes - and using scissors. She's beginning to read. Her vocabulary is impressive for a girl her age, and she knows lots of synonyms... which I thought was kind of uncommon for most children her age. Everyone always told me not to use too many words that mean the same thing, and I disagreed, saying that she's smarter than they know and will learn whatever is spoken. Kind of how children learn to be multi-lingual. I don't feel that her developmental delays are very pronounced, and that she could still make up for "lost time" with the proper motivators in place... which may just be getting to socialize with other children on a regular basis. She's a smart cookie. Her biggest issue is being deliberately disobedient - which seems limited to here at home - and pretending she didn't hear what someone said to get on their nerves by making them repeat the same thing several times. She has some trouble gripping a writing utensil correctly, but I know of ways to work on that, once her brother isn't her to grab up her supplies and destroy them before I have a chance to stop him.

We have some after school programs in our area for K-12 people on the spectrum, and their family members are welcome to participate as well. I think both of the children would really enjoy participating in something like that. My girl is an absolute angel with other children on the spectrum, but she seems to really resent her brother, which seems pretty natural given our current life circumstances. I can't blame her for feeling like she's missing out on something... because she really is missing out on a lot of things that other children get to do. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I know I didn't cause life to be this way. I tried to make my marriage work, and I had a vehicle of my own until my husband totaled it last year. I'm not trying to place all the blame here on others. Much of the problem is that I hesitated to move forward in fear that my husband would take the children, but in reality, I've come to find out that he simply can't cope with them without my assistance, and he makes excuses to return them to me early. I didn't know it would be that way, so I'm not going to beat myself up over "keeping the ball in my court". It's not really paranoia when the concerns are warranted. I was just being careful, because they're so important to me.

Also, I have a new man in my life who loves my children, challenges and all. He's really good with my daughter, and getting her to listen and attend to tasks without being defyant. He's a combat veteran who overcame PTSD himself, and works in vocational rehab services for the VA helping other veterans who have turned to substance abuse to cope with PTSD. I hope my relationship with him works out, because he's a great asset to her.

Sorry to digress again. It just felt great - very uplifting - to be assured that I'm not a horrible failure of a mother that should be doing everything perfectly because "Some people have four children of their own, and babysit four others, and I'm lucky to have just two!". My mom says that often. I remind her that none of her children, and none of the children she watched during the day, had any significant developmental delays that may lead them to wander off, or drown in a creek or pool because they're fascinated by the sensation of the water. My son would absolutely do that. Sometimes I feel like my parents expect me to wear my son in a papoose and chew his food for him, and spit it into his mouth like a baby bird. I can't lord over him all day, or he's never going to reach for independence. Ha!

Thank you again for your support! I truly appreciate it!