it all started with me telling her that i had sent the mother a gift card for christmas. i told her that it was something i had to do . she said that i know that doing this has opened a door for communication again and she doesnt know what the mother will do .she starts talking about the mother not being the mother that i want her to be etc... i told her i know all that. she seemed to get so frustrated . she said that i need to start to let go of the past and all the messages that the mother put in my head . all the talk . again i dont know why i said this to her but it just came out . i said that i know that the mother is only thinking of herself and that if my brother was still alive i would not even exist in her world. then my T started to raise her voice saying that the mother destroyed my brother to the point that he didnt want to live anymore . of course she doesnt understand the whole story and i will never agree with her over this .i know it was me who wrecked my brother . she was raising her voice and it scared me .i asked her if she was getting angry with me . she responded with telling me that it was irrelevant weather she was angry .she was not going to go down that road with me . i was so scared i started to cry and i couldnt even keep the tears from falling . i hate that so much i quickly wiped them with my sleeve and held my breath untill i stopped. i was so confused . i didnt know what she wanted from me . i cant remember some of what she was saying .i was checking out . she started again with saying that i can come to therapy and talk about my family and the dog ,or my surgery but that isnt moving me forward with my therapy that this was not what i needed to be working on . she was talking about how i need to be working on letting go of my past etc .she was talking about how children who were as traumatized as much as i was often spend there life blaming them self for everything . they believe the lies that were put in there heads. i was crying a lot now she just kept on pushing me . she asked me to get a tissue that they were right next to me .i couldnt do it .i didnt want to .i didnt want to bring any more attention to the fact that i was crying . again she raised her voice again and said that i cant even allow myself a tissue ,that i would rather stay miserable. then she said to get a tissue to wipe my face . with this i started crying even more . she was so frustrated.i told her once again that she wouldnt understand and that scares me . she was pushing me so hard .she was so loud .i was shutting down .she asked what is it she doesnt understand ?how hard it is to talk about this ,how hard it is to deal with the stuff done to me ?etc...i just said no,that the mother never did anything to my brother .i was remembering when you all talked to me about how i might have been for my brother so i told her the worst thing she ever did to him was to make him deal with me when i was being punished . she went on about the mother and how it was her who destroyed my brother . she just doesnt know . she wants me to believe her . my head is spinning so bad with all these horrible memories . then she pushed me even further . she asked me what i had done that the brother needed to take care of me . i told her that when i was being punished he needed to take care of me .i totally avoided the question .moving into the territory i dont want to look at or deal with .again i dont know why she just kept pushing .asking what did he do .finely i told her some .i could barely concentrate . i told her the mother kept me in my room when she was punishing me and it was up to my brother to bring me food and stuff . i didnt want to tell her the rest .it was so humiliating .she just kept pushing me asking what else was it . i told her it was to embarrassing and humiliating .she rised her voice again asking what else .asking me if i was still with her and to tell her what else .i finely told her that i was not allowed to come out to go to the bathroom . she asked me how i went to the bathroom .she asked if i had to go in the waste basket .i said no that the mother put a pan of water for me to go in and it was my brothers job to empty it . i was so humiliated telling her this .it was horrible .im horrible and gross . she seemed so mortified with all of it . she said the mother was a horrible witch that it was so horrible what the mother did to my brother and i . she asked me if i was able to see this . i shrugged my shoulders. again she raised her voice asking me to not shrug my shoulders and was i able to see how horrible the story i just told her was . that how could someone do something like that to another human and to a child at that . she asked how old i was . this happened more then once . i think she though it was a one time thing but it went on for years . i couldnt remember .she started saying how the mother was a monster and that it makes her sad that this happened to my brother and i . but she still didnt understand how i see things . i tried to tell her that i know it must have been horrible for my brother to have to do what he did . my T got all snidey and started saying about how it was not a piece of cake for me either being in that room . again she just looked at me and said .this is the woman you sent the christmas gift to . trying to keep her happy so you dont get put back in that room.she said that i am grown up now and the mother cant hurt me .that i no longer need to keep her happy . i was just crying and scared to leave the room i felt like rubber . i asked her if i could sometime talk to her about what it was like to be kept in that room . she said that if i think it would help me then yes .i got the feeling that she didnt want me to talk any more about it . i have never talked to anyone about what was going on in my head at these times or even what the mother did . she said i could talk about anything but i got the feeling she really didnt want to talk anymore about this . she said that this was a very intense session and asked if i was going to be ok . i was so shakey i really felt if i could get out the door i would be ok .she said she was a little worried about me and that if it ends out that if i am not ok i could call her . the thing is i only have her office phone number and she is gone now untill after the holidays .i really wonder if she thinks i have some other number like her cell . i know i will be ok i dont like calling her anyway .it gets complicated . i just need to get through tonight and the flood of memories in my head .