If I get through this, by some ****ing miracle, what happens then? Can't go back to what I actually loved doing. My diagnoses alone won't let me go back. What then? Find some new purpose? What if getting "better" -- if that's even possible -- is just another let down. What if I get through this, somehow, only to realize I'm still messed up? I hate "what if's" but this time, it's valid. What if I'm not actually capable of being 'okay'? Not happy, 'okay'. If I get better, then what's the point? To feel better until life hits below the belt like it inevitably will? Then restart this process all the **** over again?

Why the hell should I live through this? Can I even do it or am I too messed up? What happens then?