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Originally Posted by Journey-Man
Hmm, anxiety seems to be the theme across a lot of what you're saying. The proclivity to want to stay inside and do nothing is certainly something that can arise from severe anxiety, especially when the trigger for that anxiety is a person who without fail shares their degrading opinions. These kinds of behaviors can further withdraw you from activities and that can make a lot of sense as you're really stressed and fatigued from the constant anxiety.
The problem with all of that is that it can lead to significant anxiety disorders as your learned behaviors which are formed through anxiety become learned in the limbic system and become unconscious habits which can really be difficult to overcome.
Do you often think about specifically what he will say whenever you think about doing something? Like when you go shopping are you very cognizant of forgetting things which might displease him, or resolve not to do something because you just know he would have a fit?
With your cleaning, would you say it is nearly compulsive for you and almost a catharsis to make something orderly? Anxiety disorders are often accompanied by compulsive behavior.
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Oh I always think about what his reaction will be before I say something. I certainly have to build myself up to say certain things to him. And I never ask him to go and do stuff with me (hence his outburst to the counselor about how I never make any decisions) because I usually get the sarcastic “Ooo that sounds like fun”. If it doesn’t involve alcohol or eating, he usually doesn’t want to do it. I never go to museums or markets or hiking or anything because I know he won’t want to go and I’ll get a sarcastic response if I go with anyone else. Or he’ll tell me he’ll go but then change his mind an hour beforehand (because he never wanted to go in the first place). Or, if he does go, he'll act all bored and go "Well you should be happy I came and got you out of the house." When grocery shopping I overthink the brands of stuff I should buy because he’ll throw a fit if I bring home $1.99 Ragu sauce rather than the $3.50 Bertolli. Yet if he’s there with me (which is maybe 2 times a year!) he’ll pick out the cheapest thing and I’ll go “I thought you always want to buy quality” and he’ll go “Well yeah for certain things, but not this”. So I often have the quandry on what brand to get and usually spend the extra money so I don’t have to hear him whine about it. If someone asks me to go do something with them, which is rare anyways, I usually come up with some excuse because telling him I’m going out for the day will probably upset him and the sarcasm will flow.
As far as the cleaning goes, I’ve always been a neat freak. As a child I would dump things on the floor and then sort them by color or size, for fun. I never had a messy room. I can’t stand it when there’s two eggs left in the container and they are at opposite ends, I have to fix it.