So I wonder if either consciously (but more likely sort of subconsciously) he's abusing (definitely not feeling love toward you at this moment) then acts lovingly because he doesn't want you to leave. By abuse, I mean the desire to control or dominate you by throwing you off balance in this way.

Here's a similiar example in my life. As you know, I walk with H nearly everyday. He insists that I walk between the side of the road and him so that when cars go by they are the closest to him. Sounds like a very loving thing to do right? But sometimes when a car is about to go by, he literally shoves/pushes me to the side of the road in an unloving way. Earlier this year, I literally got upset (I've never been one to ever cry but I got a panic attack, refused to walk, shouted at him) when he grabbed my arm to push me to the side of the road. By the next day I had convinced myself that this must just be me blowing something out of preportion and I have accepted the "direction" since then. Then, 20 days ago, my T had me read, The Verbally Abusive Relationship--you know, that book talks about how subtle that the domination can be (and sometimes abusers shove, push, bump) and how that you have to trust your feelings about these things. And when I was not feeling loving toward him during Thanksgiving week--his "direction" was extremely rough! Then when we had made up a week later, the direction felt so gentle and loving. What a contrast!

So I've only read part of the book then I stopped. Sometimes I wonder why I am so clueless and overlook so many things! I do see parallels between his foreplay and my Hs safety patrol behavior. Do you? Though since I am trying to be more assertive, I have noticed that he backs down about many things when I am firmer with him. So say "no sex" when he acts like that?