Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapper
Oh I always think about what his reaction will be before I say something. I certainly have to build myself up to say certain things to him. And I never ask him to go and do stuff with me (hence his outburst to the counselor about how I never make any decisions) because I usually get the sarcastic “Ooo that sounds like fun”. If it doesn’t involve alcohol or eating, he usually doesn’t want to do it. I never go to museums or markets or hiking or anything because I know he won’t want to go and I’ll get a sarcastic response if I go with anyone else. Or he’ll tell me he’ll go but then change his mind an hour beforehand (because he never wanted to go in the first place). Or, if he does go, he'll act all bored and go "Well you should be happy I came and got you out of the house." When grocery shopping I overthink the brands of stuff I should buy because he’ll throw a fit if I bring home $1.99 Ragu sauce rather than the $3.50 Bertolli. Yet if he’s there with me (which is maybe 2 times a year!) he’ll pick out the cheapest thing and I’ll go “I thought you always want to buy quality” and he’ll go “Well yeah for certain things, but not this”. So I often have the quandry on what brand to get and usually spend the extra money so I don’t have to hear him whine about it. If someone asks me to go do something with them, which is rare anyways, I usually come up with some excuse because telling him I’m going out for the day will probably upset him and the sarcasm will flow.
As far as the cleaning goes, I’ve always been a neat freak. As a child I would dump things on the floor and then sort them by color or size, for fun. I never had a messy room. I can’t stand it when there’s two eggs left in the container and they are at opposite ends, I have to fix it.
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Has his negative reactions also increased your negative self-talk, do you struggle with that as well?
Does he have any interests of his own, does he afford himself latitude and personal freedom to explore his hobbies or has become a bit of a recluse as well with his alcohol problems? I've observed in many men that they can become really isolated and angry, having very few friends, few hobbies and major emotional issues which lead to erratic and abusive behavior. I found that I was never really prepared growing up to manage my emotions, and as an INFJ I have pretty powerful emotions in addition to having my own psychological baggage (PTSD, Depression, etc.).
With depression I found that boredom becomes a big problem because nothing, even the things you once found enjoyable, become almost neutral stimuli. The lack of enjoyment of food can lead to eating problems, and the anxiety of leaving the house and being around people can cause isolation which can in more severe cases lead to Agoraphobia ("agora" Greek for marketplace), which my grandmother suffered from when she didn't leave her property for over a decade.
The problems we end up facing usually were instantiated through thousands of tiny reactions and behaviors through which our emotional systems learn and adapt and of course can become dysfunctional. My hope is that you'd continue coming here and seek out help at least for yourself if your husband is not willing to seek therapy or rehab for his issues.