I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. The holidays are particularly tough on a lot of us. It's easy to say but hard to do, given our illnesses, but if you can, try to focus on the present moment and less about a future that's truly unpredictable. There may come a day (I pray it's true for all of us) that we'll look back on today and say I'm glad I hung in there.
It's not this day, and right now it probably feels like it never will be. But even if you can't imagine it, can you imagine the possibility of it? Even if it's just a .000001% chance?
Keep posting. Clearly from the responses here, people care about you!