((((((((((((((((( esthersvirtue ))))))))))))))))))))

this one took me a long time to make any progress on and is still a work in progress. my self loathing was extreme and the only way i felt good about myself at all was by what i did for others...the bigger the extreme, the better i felt. it was doing me in. i couldn't keep up as i started getting older. i was every person i know's "therapist". i was in fear of opening my mouth to ppl cause i just knew i would repeat something someone else told me in confindence. it was sad.

in therapy, my t would often point out to me that if a friend of yours had done what i had done, what would i say/feel about their actions. i would be understanding and forgiving, but i can't/won't allow myself the same?

one time t was very confrontational with me and said, "what makes you think you have the powers of God?" i was angry immediately and said, "what are you talking about?" he then said, "that's what you do...you expect perfection, no mistakes, no weakness and are highly judgmental. only God can be all of those things all of the time." oh, i was SO angry. he was appropriate in saying this when i went home and reviewed the session. i expected myself to be something akin to God and beat myself up bad when i failed...creating massive self loathing and depression. that is one of the things that has stuck with me all these years. i now realize that i had unreasonble expectations of self then i would berate and hate self for not living up to them.

it's taken a long time to allow myself things that i allow others. i think the self loathing thing for me goes back to childhood and what was said to me...creating demands on self.

i wish you well with this one. it's one i still have to work hard at...continually. however, i've come a LONG way on this and pray that you will too. it's not a fun place to be.

be safe and best wishes,

kimmydawn