Quote:
Originally Posted by Bugs-N-Hugs
That's pretty much my biggest fear. Being left alone and lonely. Even though I self-isolate so much everyone I know is worrying about me. At least they seem to be. But the idea of losing someone or not really having them--or thinking I have them only for them to dump me or phase me out is terrifying. It makes me want to sob until I puke. I push people away before I have a chance to love them because if I'm gonna lose them anyway, might as well get a jump on it, right? Why wait and drag **** out? And why be the dumpee when you can be the dumper? Saving dignity, right?
Riiiiiight.
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I can't stand being alone because it leaves me with my thoughts, which can often become very negative. It's like I need someone to drown them out for me or they get louder and louder. That's why I know that when I want to be alone, I'm in a very bad state of mind because I don't really want that. I know what you mean with pushing people away, but for me it manifested in a really subconscious way. After a lot of abandonment and/or failed relationships with people, I realized that overtime despite being able to talk to people fairly easily, I could not bond with them easily at all. It's like my heart locked itself up overtime to protect me. There have been exceptions to this, but it's very rare.