I'm just getting curious about these things so bear with me. Many here seem to have known stuff for ages and I haven't. I'm trying finally to find a direction in life and see if that is possible. I have only lived for the moment before. It was sometimes OK and sometimes things got very bad. I understand I need a plan but not sure how.

In the past I always thought I needed to fix everything by myself so it is what I did. Now I have realized I can look for people to talk to and also I have a therapist. I have heard neglected people feel a need that is not fulfilled but I don't feel that. And I don't feel fear. I have two main moods, childlike joyful and sort of everything goes kind of meh almost numb. Sometimes I have had times with extreme moods but they usually pass quite fast.

I am embarrased to say but I don't care about others. I don't feel people are anything special. I have friends but if they bore me I leave them and if they leave me I don't get upset. I don't want to hurt people but if I accidentally did I never cared. I feel disconnected from them. I am disconnected from me as well. Some people who are neglected feel inferior. I do not. I don't have feelings like that about me. Not good or bad.

I'm not sure what even to tell from my life. If I say I was left alone as very young in a room with a potty chair it sounds like Genie but no it wasn't anything like that. I went potty myself. Rested on my mattress. Played with the toys I had. And ate cake and drank sqash. Reason I wasn't allowed in the rest of the house was I could walk out or turn on the stove. When my dad was away and my mum worked long hours I guess she didn't know what to do with me. I grew up in a house away from the small village and there was no one else. I guess no child care. Have never asked my mum why no one babysat me. Was not curious until now.

Anyway if I say stupid things just ignore me. And I notice I say the wrong ages a lot for my life when things happened but sometimes I think some stuff was like age three sometimes age five. I have no one to ask so I'm guessing. I do remember what took place though.

My problem areas I now understand I have are

I don't bond with people
I think I have to do everything by myself
I am wreckless and fearless sometimes impulsive
I have no life plan no drive to and also hard to understand how to organize it
I don't take responsibility I use quick fixes
I don't have normal feelings like happy sad scared I have joyful blah and very mad that is all

Now how to fix it? Not sure.