Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten
I can't stand being alone because it leaves me with my thoughts, which can often become very negative. It's like I need someone to drown them out for me or they get louder and louder. That's why I know that when I want to be alone, I'm in a very bad state of mind because I don't really want that. I know what you mean with pushing people away, but for me it manifested in a really subconscious way. After a lot of abandonment and/or failed relationships with people, I realized that overtime despite being able to talk to people fairly easily, I could not bond with them easily at all. It's like my heart locked itself up overtime to protect me. There have been exceptions to this, but it's very rare.
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We may have been separated at birth, because that's me all over, alas. Being alone with my thoughts is the literal worst for me. Just--awful. I can't focus on the things I use to distract myself, so it's a nightmare these days. One that only gets worse over time. Plus, I'm socially facile on the surface, but underneath, I'm . . . not at all enjoying myself or comfortable. But I put on a very good act. Intimacy of any kind is terrifying and horrifying to me, and yet I crave the thing I fear most. If only because when one is taken up/taken over by others, one has little time or inclination to focus on or drown in oneself.