Hello Kenny --

I can empathize with what you are going through. In fact, my stomach started to clench reading about your situation.

My whole life was swept away in just 5 weeks in Spring 2003. I was diagnosed with an illness; I was unable to get tenure as a professor and the 12 years I invested in that career was blown away. The man I'd been with for 15 years called me in Florida, from California (if he'd run any further, he'd have fallen off the edge of the earth) to say, "It's over." And I quote. I fell apart. I had to sell our dream home, that we'd purchased only 5 months before all this happened. I had to find homes for my two beloved dogs, because I couldn't take care of myself no less them. I am familiar with long, sleepless nights, self blame, anger, grief, loss, and seemingly unending pain.

I have been through a long process of grieving and coming to grips. After 18 months, I am just coming out of it, and your post triggered very unpleasant emotions for me.

The single word that stood out most for me in your first post is "Pride." The two qualities that I have come to grips with in myself during this long period of healing are my pride and stubbornness. Perhaps it will help to reflect on other situations in which pride has affected the way you deal with the world. Has your pride hurt others as well as yourself?

Coming to grips with a material situation that is less than I am used to has been painful. I've spent a lot of time "running" -- not living anywhere, staying a few weeks here and there with friends and relatives, trying out New Orleans in a furnished sublet. I have blown a lot of money, but I was too depressed to be overly concerned about it. Looking back on it, I honestly don't think I was capable of behaving in any other way than I did. It's a miracle I didn't kill myself.

I have developed a richer, deeper spiritual life as a result of everything that happened. I have developed ties to new people as well. I think the people who have helped me most are people from my old life, and the emerging life, who are compassionate and kind, loving, tolerant and giving. I am learning new ways of "being" in the world.

I hope that you will take seriously the suggestion to get counseling. The depth of your self-blame suggests that other, deeper issues may be here, in terms of your self-expectations, and how you evaluate success for yourself. Perhaps it is time to take to unpack this treasure chest of who you are, and decide what you like and want to keep in that box, what you want to throw out, and what you'd like to add. A counselor can help with that. This can be a great opportunity for you to find out who you really are and who you want to be. To evaluate how happy the home and expensive toys made you -- or if there are, perhaps, some longings deep within that you've never allowed yourself to explore because you have been too busy. Right now, I am staying with friends where the husband is in the car business. It really requires long hours. I joked that she sees her husband almost as infrequently as I saw my mate -- who was a long-haul trucker and only home 5 days a month.

Of course, we all want the old life back, if it was a good life, and we liked things the way that we were. But even going back to your old employer will not restore that life. I don't think mending fences with an employer is like being in a love relationship that grows past some crisis and becomes stronger. The element of mistrust will be there. IMHO.

Best wishes with rebuilding your life and your self, Kenny. You've come to the right place. I am not sure that I could have survived my dark depression without the loving and wise people of the Forums. My heart goes out to you.