I was just fantasizing a merry xmas phone call from my t. He calls some years, i cant remember if he called last year. I do remember that the last time he called, i thought he called because HE was lonely. Talk about transference. The past two years we've been working on the idea that therapy is for ME, not for him. What a concept, right? But when nothing is yours - not your body, not your brain, not your money, not your abilities - well, nothing is yours, period. So my fantasy phone call today just consisted of me saying, "how nice to hear from you" - but still having the impulse to ask if everything was alright with him. I'm alone, he has a houseful of family and friends, and I'm worried about him? How hostile is that? Its transference. My mother could have EVERYTHING - and still want to take from me.

Book 3 of elena ferrantes neapolitan quadrilogy(?) shows this painful jealous mother daughter relationship. In this and other parts where the mother goes off, I felt like i was home. I mean, it really FELT like HOME in my BODY.