Many thanks, Xynesthesia. Awareness of relationships has been pretty absent in my own consciousness. It may be getting some better and reading how things are for you helps me "feel" some possibilities as well absences in the way I typically "do things" (generate thoughts, I guess).

I also like Kohut's ideas about development of the self and the 3 poles or functions. I can kind of feel the grandiose and idealization functions working in me sometimes, but the alter ego or twinship function got pretty damaged, I think. I felt good about that once when I was about 8 and told my parents "I think I'm going to be like" a great-aunt "when I grow up." "Yew" (mild disgust) they said. My great-aunt was an "old maid" (socially undesirable back in the 1950's) and frequently "grouchy". But a straight talker and I didn't feel talked down to by her as I did by many of my female relatives.

I'm thinking/feeling like the twinship function and, later, peer relationships are needed for a self to be and feel like a part of a larger social whole, which is something I long for. I had the fantasy of that in my family of origin but it didn't last or, most likely, wasn't real. And the possibility of developing good peer relationships got messed up by a family situation.

So, what I'm "working" on now is how to be my self and connect, fit in with some human society in some kinds of ways. I could not connect with my last T at the level of my extreme frustration -- I suspect she has some of her own issues with regard to that. And it still feels (to me) universally rejected and reject-able, but logically (and with the help of the narcissistic defense idea) it doesn't seem cognitively like that's entirely true.

I probably need more and better awareness of other people, too, as well as myself. Again, reading about how things are for you has been very interesting and helpful. Thanks.