Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
You might want to try some basic touching exercises so as to get more comfortable with touch. This video shows basic nonsexual touch exercises to do with your partner. These exercises are aimed at those recovering from abuse and are also applicable to anyone who has a discomfort with touch.
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Thanks! That's something I need...I do feel guilty though asking to go back to essentially square 1...I was better with touch in the not so distant past, but then we both got really busy with grad school at the end of the semester and physical intimacy was a rarity for a few weeks and I guess I became not used to it again?
It at least feels more natural to touch him than it did in the beginning. To think, he had to teach me how to do it and it was almost a deal breaker that I have issues with touch either way since he's a touchy-feely sort of person.
I'm a lot more ok with touch overall, but sometimes it gets too uncomfortable. He doesn't notice (or possibly understand) non-verbal cues (unintentional) so I have to say something or just be quiet and be uncomfortable. What's the best way to say: "You're too much in my bubble, please back off", "I'm uncomfortable with PDA", or "Please don't touch me sexually or at all" in a way that's not confusing or hurtful? It's usually nothing he's done or said (he might have accidentally triggered me on occasion, but that's not on purpose either) but he blames himself anyway regardless. And I feel like I don't meet his touch needs if I have to tell him to "back off" occasionally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LifeInProgress
I have trouble achieving climax with my current partner. We have spent a great deal of time talking about it. I want to be sure she knows that the problem is with me, not with her performance. It is still a difficult and embarrasing situation to be in.
I hope that you can communicate with your partner and reassure him that the issues are not with his performance, but with your sensitivity to touch and your anxiety about it.
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Yes, I've told him that. What complicates the situation for him is that he has a separate issue (premature ejaculation), so despite this particular issue not being his fault, he feels like the other issue is and it's difficult to separate the two. I realize his issue is devastating to his confidence and my issues are not helping one bit. There's a lot of pressure to climax which doesn't help. I also don't know how to show or explain what I like...it only feels "right" when I do it. It may even be more complex in our situation because he has cerebral palsy and can't just automatically learn physical movements the same way a person without CP can. But I don't know...it's all a bit too complex and beyond my own knowledge.
It's just that he's been dumped for sexual performance issues...so obviously it makes him anxious. The rest of our relationship is healthy and works well. It's just sexual issues and my issues with touch. Also, in case it wasn't clear, I DO want to be touched. I just don't want it to make me anxious or overwhelm me. I don't want to have to say "Please don't touch me right now" etc. (like I mentioned in my reply to Bill).
I also wanted to thank both of you for not immediately saying I should dump him and find someone "better" sexually. The problems are psychological/neurological and have nothing to do with lack of chemistry. Besides, after reading all the threads in the relationship forum over the years, besides sex being more challenging than average, we have a pretty much ideal relationship. It wouldn't be worth throwing it away for what should be fixable issues. It may just take a while and I feel like it would be worth the wait.
ETA:
It's also worth mentioning that we are both under incredible stress trying to finish our dissertations and applying for jobs. Neither one of us knows if we'll even get a job or where we're going to live or how we're going to eat...or even if we'll be able to afford to move in together or have several hours put between us geographically. I've become depressed and have a hard time enjoying anything.